A Patient Heart

New Obsessions

2009-11-09T23:06:00.008-06:00

Ok, I know I say that I love new things all the time- but this time I mean it!!

Ok, wondering what this is?? It's sand!! :) When the whole thing is done, it's going to be a starfish on the sand. Super cute- right?? And the best part is- I sewed it myself!! I cut out the felt, sewed on the beads and sequins (after looking it up online) and the hand sewed the sides and stuffed with a teensy bit of polyfill. Seriously, I had so much fun!!! I can't wait to do the starfish next! I have to bead it like crazy, then sew it together and then, somehow, attach it to sand without looking tacky... Hmmm....

Where did I get this idea?? Well, my mom made about 7 or 8 of them when I was little... a cute train, Pinnochio, a clown. When I was 16 (I know, I was old) she made the cutest Care Bear for my birthday, who now a permanent resident of our Christmas tree. As much as these ornaments are mine- I mean, no one else has any attachment to them- they belong on our family tree. So, I needed to make some of my own.
Here are the other ornaments I have (all store bought- but no less special!):

Ok, so, from the top: 1. HOPE (I bought this at Hobby Lobby; I just loved the manger scene and the message it sends), 2. Crazy Alligator (Ok, so I have a thing for animals... and he was so cute! In his own creepy way...), 3. JERRY BIRD!!! (Yes, this looks JUST like my parakeet, Jerry. I almost cried when I found him at World Market! The lady checking me out wanted him- but he is mine- back off Lady!), 4. The Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (Ok, if it has to do with children's lit, I am all over it!! Poetry all the way!)

So, this is just a snipet of my new collection. I have two others that didn't make it onto the blog- the word NOEL that looks like it is spelled with cookies and a CARE BEAR oranament from the 80's!! She is really cute- I will have to show her off to you later.

Now, as if Christmas ornaments weren't my only obsession- I also LOVE felt craft projects. Now that I know that I can sew pretty well, I have been looking into all kinds of felt crafts! My first project after the ornaments? These:

Felt Chocolate Chip Cookies!!!! CUTE!!!!!!!!!! And FUN!

And if I get REALLY ambittous, how about this?

Yeah- maybe another year... :)

Retirement

2009-11-03T21:44:00.001-06:00

This is the look I gave them when they told me I can retire in 39 years... :/

New obsession

2009-10-18T11:13:00.005-05:00

This is Sam Tsui- all of them are. He is a genius... I just love this!

Almost as much as I love the actual version from Glee. Both are genius!

A for real update

2009-10-13T21:18:00.005-05:00

Music playing: JJ Heller's CD 'Painted Red'. I am obsessed. I will send you a copy if you want- some of you are already getting one- I'm just a slacker.

Picture: What a typical grading day looks like- pink pen (cause I have to grade in pink) and peanut butter M&M's

I have many "drafts" saved from me trying to start this entry.

I am trying to be honest with you all in the hopes that someone will understand. So, to start out honestly- I do not enjoy my job. There are days when I am happy. But overall, I am not happy. If I am being rational, I think this job came at a bad time for several reasons. 1) I have never been able to handle change well. Example 1: My mom dies and I kind of go berserk. (Ok, bad example, because anyone would, but especially me) Example 2: I start college and I have a hard time making friends. I try too hard and end up losing out on some great relationships (friends, not boys, come on people) Reason 2: I am a new teacher and as I have been told, relentlessly, "the first year is the worst"

If I am not being rational, I do not like living all by myself in a place I am unfamiliar with. I truly do not like middle schoolers- I mean, there are some sweet ones, but when you ask me if I like my kids, those babies get pushed aside for the ones that I do not like. I am the youngest professional on my campus, so I am treated as such and even the kids know how young I am. No one really respects me. Kids could care less about what I say, teachers only listen to me out of politeness.

I can not begin to describe how disheartening it is to realize that you went to college for 4 years- your parents paid for your college education for four years- and the career you chose is one that just doesn't fit with you. What else is out there for me? I have no fall back. None. I can not go through another 4 years of college- emotionally or financially- and even if I could, I have no idea what career I would go for this go 'round.

So for the rest of this year, I am stuck in a job that I groan about when I wake up in the morning. A job that I pray someone else will come in and fill for me.

Well, to quit my Debby Downer-ness, I have to make the best of a very bad situation. So what have I been doing, you ask?

Music change: I am kind of obsessed with R Kelly's Ignition (remix). I have this one version from this dude on YouTube on like permanent play... whoo... he's hot.

1) I am trying to find me a church. The Lord blessed my life 10x over Grace in CS. Seriously, I knew I would miss it, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. I miss all of my families that I was so close with. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the amazing worship/message every Sunday. I miss all my sweet 3 year olds and crazy AWANA clubbers.

So, how do you move away from that and find a church that fills you up so completly?

Answer: You try.

It's not easy. I have yet to find a place where I am really, truly accepted and comfortable. But I am not giving up... I'm just waiting for God to guide me where he needs me to be.

2) I try to help out as much as I can at school. If I am busy, I don't realize how miserable I am. The most recent help I have been doing was this past weekend: I helped out with the school play. They needed some teachers to make cameo's and walk across stage and say a few lines. Here is a pic of me in costume:

Yes. Charming, huh? We had to dress 70's. Of course, I went all out... and the kids... well, not so much. But they tried. :)

Here is a pic of one of my kids and some others in the show:

The one in the black shirt is in my 1st period. I have no idea the names of any of the other kids. But they're cute, no? For now... but they are sneaky, I tell you. Except my little boy- he's a sweetheart. Seriously. I love him.

Another little boy that I teach was in the show as well. But he's not in this picture. I will not show you him... but he's a stinker. And wears tighter jeans than I do.

3) I buy myself things. Don't laugh. But I have been getting tickets to see plays, musicals, ballets. Anything to keep myself motivated for the weekend. I saw Meet Me in St Louis the other weekend. Daddy is taking me to Mary Poppins in two weeks. Yay!! :) I also read more books than humanly possible. I lose myself in somebody else's life. (On a side note, I would go to movie's except the movie theatre is in the mall and I do not want to run into one of my kids, especially is I am going to a movie alone. Reason #12365 that it would be nice to have a boyfriend right now)

Ok, well, I made a goal that I do not think I am going to meet, so I am going to bed.

I love you sweet friends. Please continue to pray for me. I appreciate everything!

Your Hands

2009-10-04T14:40:00.002-05:00

Val- check your mail this week. I'm sending you a gift! :)

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands

Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

OWLS

2009-09-24T13:19:00.005-05:00

Did you know that I love owls?

I do.

Ever since I took this picture:

at Zoo Camp this summer I have been in loooove with them!! (and no, he is not winking. We actually rescued him and he only has one eye. But isn't he gorgeous?!)

This summer we even saved a baby one. My kids found it on the ground. Oh my goodness- it was so small and cute and was making these sweet noises. And I swear, it's eyes were as big as it's head. Gosh it was precious.

So yeah, I have a thing for Owls. :)

And now I have discovered Etsy.com It's getting dangerous people. This website is like the mecca of all things homemade. Type in any key word- like Owl- and you get all kinds of goodies. They have hair clips and dolls and shirts and toys and jewlery and well, just about anything.

Why do I love them? Well, you know, they're kind of shy and yet they are so smart. When they look at you, it's like they're trying to figure something out. It's wonderful.

And just because I think it's adorable, look how cute this is:

I know, it's a toucan, not an owl. I wish I knew a little girl who would love it, but my little girls are too practical. But it sure is precious!

Ok, this was random and pointless but I needed something to cheer me up because my students are sucking the life out of me! :/

LOVE to you who read the pointlessness!

Vent

2009-09-16T21:50:00.003-05:00

I've decided that the blog is the only place that I can vent. I've been sitting here, at 9:50 in the evening, racking my brains on who I should call while I hysterically cry. I feel so lonely and alone here in Humble. I miss my close knit community of College Station. I miss the best roommate I've ever had- the one who would let me sit on her floor and just spill all my frustrations. I miss having a church full of people praying for me and pulling for me and loving on me on a daily basis. It was such a beautiful thing that has gone away so quickly.

I almost didn't notice it this summer. This summer I was full of distraction. I had a fabulous job that I loved. I was living at home. It felt like I would just pack up and go back to college in a few months. But all of sudden things started to change. In a few days, I signed a contract, got an apartment, started setting up insurance, got a new credit card, changed the address on my drivers licence. There is no turning back when you get something as permanent as a new address.

And then came the job. All in a rush, I had a million things to do. I am teaching 5 classes of 8th graders- roughly about 140 kids. I have to plan lessons- and teach those same lessons. I have to command 30 kids attention for 55 minutes. I have yet to do it once successfully. I feel like such a failure at the end of the day. What are my kids really learning? Why did I choose a job that makes me so unhappy? I thought I would love teaching. I did. There are moments when I still do. But I am too nice to do what I do. They keep telling me to "toughen up. Lay down the law. You need to get tougher." And I look at them and honestly say- "I AM being tough." This is as tough as it gets. And then, when that toughness is worn down, I yell. Or I snap. And suddenly I am not the same person. I am completely different. I hate who I become. I hurt their feelings. I embarress myself. So many times throughout the day I want to put my head down and just cry. I am miserable. I do not want to do this anymore.

So here I sit. In a new apartment. Getting ready to go to sleep so that I can face another day. About to have a panic attack because I can think of nothing to do with them on Friday. Ready to hide in my room and never come out.

I want to be happy again. I need a hug so badly. I need someone to tell me that they love me. I need a new job. I need to stop crying so that I can get some sleep.

2009-09-16T19:58:00.004-05:00

I miss this little boy:

I miss this girl:

I miss this place:

I want God to tell me why I am here. And not there. And not with them.

Why is it so hard for me to accept that this is my life?

I want to be a different person and somewhere else.

I am so tired... so tired.

The Naked Classroom

2009-08-13T14:24:00.002-05:00

I am sitting in my newly aquired classroom staring at the blank walls. There is nothing sadder than stark white walls and nothing else. It's sad- pathetically sad- that I have nothing to hang on them.

I have no classroom rules. I have no procedures. I have no posters. I have no pictures. I have no student work (I guess because I have no students). I sigh from the boredom of it all.

I am scared. No, more than scared, I am petrified. What are my kids going to think when they walk into my classroom and see that it is empty? What will I do when 25 pairs of eyes turn to stare at me and look to me for guidance and direction? What's going to happen when I get to a point in my lesson where I am just stuck? I have no answer to a students question. No one to look to to pull out a sheet and go, here ya go... just read it off of here!

... what were they thinking sending me into a classroom at 22 years old? I am only 9 years older than most of my kids... I was 9 years old when they were born. Did God look at me, a pathetic nine year old with badly cut hair and messed up teeth and an attention seeking disposition and go, "Ah... Kelly. I think there are some children that are going to be born this year that I think you should teach when you get older. I think this suits you so well."
Umm... really God?? Because I don't feel well suited. I feel terrified! I'm not ready for this! I'm not ready to be a teacher or to grow up. Maybe I should go for a masters degree or a second major. Any excuse for me to stay in college.

I feel as naked as my classroom. I am vulnerable to everything. I'm waiting for someone to bring me that first day of school outfit. To say ok, here are points A B and C... now make sure you have those covered and you will be fine.

... ok, whatever you say.

Day 5: Did I mention...

2009-07-26T01:20:00.002-05:00

Did I mention that Emily Greeson turned 21 on Thursday?! We went out and celebrated with friends at Gringos! It was too fun!

Day 5 of 365

2009-07-26T01:08:00.007-05:00

Day 5 is always the most bittersweet because camp is over, but you may never see these sweet kiddos again. :( This was especially sad for me because this was my last day of Camp Zoofari 2009!!! I was sad to leave all my new friends, but happy to see these crazy kiddos!!

Interns Annie and Brenda with Mars, one of our baby alligators!

Carousel is always a highlight of the week!

Otters are some pretty cute animals, I must say!

I LOVE these kids!

I'm going to miss everybody at the zoo!!!!

Day 4 of 365

2009-07-26T00:51:00.009-05:00

Thursday went by and it was wonderful. Lots of things happened. Here are my favorite moments of the day!

We saw this AMAZING cheetah presentation!! It was so cool!

His name was Kito... and he was precious!

We visited Oranguatans and met Doc

And Solaris, our baby

Then I drove to my interview in this nasty rain

And this is how I felt when the interview was over

And then God gave me this faint, but beautiful, rainbow to remind me of all of his promises!

Day 3 of 365

2009-07-26T00:37:00.007-05:00

I stink at all of this updating... but a LOT of exciting things have been happening.... I will let you know about it all in a few posts. Here are some pics from Wednesday:

Some of my sweet girls

Watching the Elephant Bath

The cousins... I loved them!

The bunny was the most exciting animal the kids saw all day- according to them :)

Astro the baby sea lion!

Day 2 of 365: Camp and Astros

2009-07-21T22:49:00.007-05:00

My crazy and sweet kiddos

A Blue Roller eating mealworms at a feeding at the Tropical Bird House

Lots of sweet friends at work

Hunter Pence sliding into home at the 'Stros game! We won 11 to 6!

Daddy and I! :) Love him!

Project 365

2009-07-20T19:34:00.003-05:00

So, blogger friends, in honor of my amazing camera that I got as a graduation present and now can't live without! I mean, I take it everywhere and it is soooo amazing! :)

Anyways, I decided, since I take so many pictures that I am going to implement Project 365... I will post a picture every day that I take. It could be anything. You'll have to tune in to find out! I have a few favs from today that I will leave you with. Yes, they're of the zoo. That's all I'm doing right now, what do you expect?! :)

Embarrassing....

2009-06-30T18:33:00.002-05:00

I am embarrassed. *blush*

I sent an e-mail to a boy. Bad idea. Regretted it the moment I sent it. But sent it anyway.

Sent said e-mail about 2 weeks ago. Had dreams of falling in love with said boy.

Way too into this, Kel. I mean, he's cute, but do you really want to marry him already? Do you even know his middle name?!

Never recieved response back. *sigh* Resigned to the fact that he read it and forgot. Moved on.

Cute boy came back to work yesterday. Too embarrassed to talk to him because of silly e-mail. Oogled from afar... Sooooooo cute...

Today, 5:45... recieved reply e-mail from boy, who I have seen at work for two days... guess he only checks his e-mail every two weeks, while I check mine every 2 hours.

Too embarrassed to read e-mail. But need to read it because I will see him tomorrow... wish I had an Ipod that I could hide behind tomorrow... thinking of calling in sick...

Can't... read... e-mail...

Embarrassed

Ouch!!

2009-06-08T06:24:00.001-05:00

I fought a rosh bush...

.... the rose bush won. :/

Seperate Ways

2009-05-28T10:46:00.008-05:00

Oh my goodness...

I just found out that the girl who was my best friend for years is having a baby. As my dad asked, "As in not-married-pregnant?!" Yes. Exactly that.

I am in shock. I am sad. We were so alike. In every way. I could tell her everything. I loved her so much. I still do.

I just wonder... how did things go so south? How did I end up the way I am and she end up the way she is? How blessed am I?! I have a father who supports me in every way, a college degree from an incredible university, amazing, wonderful and healthy friendships, a fantastic summer job and *hopefully* a real job on the way. I have Jesus in my life, guiding me and teaching me every day of the week, whether I know it or not.

This girl and I parted ways in high school and I have seen her twice since then- once when my mother died and then again at her brothers wedding. My heart breaks for her. Please keep her in your prayers. Thank you for being such incredible people in my life, who keep me grounded, who keep my focus on the Lord, who hold my hand instead of pointing me to the next "quick fix" aka boys, drugs, you get it. I love you guys so much!!

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference."

- Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

Reasons to stay in this Summer

2009-05-22T14:45:00.002-05:00

I am all for hanging out with people this summer, don't get me wrong. But, with my current track record of friendships in the summertime, I am better at being an e-friend than a let's-go-shopping-and-to-the-movies-and-spend-all-of-our-time-together kind of friend. Ooops.

Well, I have already started my summer obsession: So You Think You Can Dance. Ahh!!! It is SO absolutely fantastic. Where do they come from?! It makes me wish I could dance that. My favorites already are Gabi (who dances like a bird- she is beautiful!), Brandon and Natalie (who are both stellar! They were so close to being on the show last year!! I have always loved Natalie), and I really, really likes Elias (Who, even though he got cut, was a fantastic dancer! I wish they could have put him through).

Soooo, I will be dance updating a ton this summer! It is my favorite show. :)

But, there is so much more to look forward to!! A new summer show on NBC called Merlin dubuting in June. Oooo!! I think I am going to love this one. So my style.

A new Disney Channel Original Movie in June staring Demi and Selena of Disney Channel fame (and who I personally adore for their amazing poise, proffesionalism and Jesus loving attitude) called Princess Protection Program. Wow. Lot's of P's! It looks precious :) and I am looking forward to seeing it.

Degrassi's Summer "Movie" AKA 4 episodes all smushed together to make a "movie". Oh my!! Watch the trailer. Salivate with me!

And, of course, what would summer be without a new ABC family original drama?! Make it or Break It premiers in June as well and is about a bunch of gymnasts training to be Olympiads or something fun like that. Juicy, no?
Wait... 10 Things I Hate About You is going to be a TV show in July?! Oo! Looks exciting!

Ok. That's my obessesive-I-Have-No-Life TV blog. :)

Glee

2009-05-20T13:01:00.002-05:00

I'm addicted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glee is a new show starting up on Fox this fall, but they showed the pilot episode early last night after the Idol finale. Whoo!! It blew me away! It's about a glee club at a high school. It has lots of Broadway stars (Lea Michele, Matthew Morrison, Jenna Ushkowitz) and Heroes stars (Claire's real mom (the one with fire powers!), the long lost Charlie, and that witchy cheerleader that always hated Claire). Goooood times.

Curious? Here are two clips for ya:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFaSgUMWo_Y

- Don't Stop Believing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp4Lmc5wLaQ

- the auditions

In the auditions, Rachel Berry is played by Lea Michele. You may remember my obsessive post back in January about the show that I am obsessed with- Spring Awakening. Yes, Lea originated the role of Wendela in the Original Broadway cast. Here's another tasty clip of her for you to feast your eyes on-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaxgsiF8-cg&feature=related

- This is a song from the end of the show called Those You've Known... I don't think it's going to ruin it for you. Just watch it- and love it! And then watch the other 300 videos of her on YouTube. I swear, this chick rocks my socks off. :)

And, if you love all of these Broadway style kiddos, check out Adam Lambert when he played Fiyero in the LA Cast of Wicked-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5u4PwAR2Nus

Whoo! oooh! I looooooove it! Yes, this boy needs to do Broadway. Put him in Wicked on Broadway!!!! I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove it.

Ok, have you enjoyed all these videos? I have!! I have too much time on my hands. I need to start my job!!

Waiting

2009-05-18T13:48:00.003-05:00

From 'Oh the Places You'll Go' by Dr. Seuss

You can get so confused

that you’ll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come,

or a plane to go

or the mail to come,

or the rain to go

or the phone to ring,

or the snow to snow

or waiting around for a Yes or a No

or waiting for their hair to grow.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite

or waiting for wind to fly a kite

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Better Break

or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants

or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

Cinco Ranch

2009-05-14T18:52:00.004-05:00

This is the school I interviewed at today. No, this is not "today". Someone else took this photo.

But, I think this is an excellent picture of how I felt as I left my interview.

It went sooooo well! So well, in fact, that I don't even care if I get the job (though I really want it!). I have never felt like I presented myself as well, or been more true to myself. I was in an a room with 8 other people... 2 principals and 6 teachers, and I guess you could say that I charmed the pants off of them. :) I smiled, laughed, made little jokes and, I think, made an impression. Even if I don't get it, I know that I did my absolute best.

On a side note, as I was coming into the interview, I met one of the AP's, who was at the Katy Job Fair. I maybe talked to her for 15... 20 minutes when I was there. They didn't have a position for a language arts at the time, but one for social studies and we talked a bit about that. I remember her mentioning my Aggie ring. Well, I guess she remembered me more than I thought. She told me that when she saw that a 7th grade language arts position had opened up, she told them- "I remember a girl that I met at the job fair. Let's call her in!" :) Yes, 3 weeks later and apparently I have still made an impression on people. :)

I am pretty proud of myself and how well I did. I'll let you know how it goes! Thank you for all the sweet e-mails and prayers! :) Love you!

Updation

2009-05-10T21:25:00.003-05:00

Ok- an update

1) Today is Mother's Day. I miss my mom. :( BUT- she is having the best mothers day party EVER with some pretty awesome mom's up in heaven... so I can't be too sad. :)

2) I want to stay in College Station forever! I really love the community that I have found here. Their love, support, friendship, hugs- everything has just been so wonderful! I spent my last day of nursery care getting lots of hugs, kisses and giggles, cleaning a poopy diaper (of course!), rejoicing over big boy underwear, fingerpainting flowers for mothers day, dishing out animal crackers and goldfish and taking lots of pictures. :) I just LOVE these precious children and I can not wait to share them with you soon. I will post them on facebook when I get around to finding my camera cord...

3) Graduation is right around the corner. WOW. I feel like I just finished fish camp... and now I'm graduating?!?!?! It just doesn't feel real. And I found a graduation dress from JC Penney that I LOVE. Seriously. I am so thankful for my wonderful aunt who traveled with me to find it. She's the one that pulled it out and it is seriously precious. :)

4) I have a new TV show that I am into... and it is DORKY! It's called Legend of the Seeker... imagine a mix of Lord of the Rings and Princess Bride and Robin Hood or King Arthur (maybe?). I found it online (of all places), on the best website EVER- Hulu. I am obsessed. I watched all 19 episodes and am anticipating the final ones to come. The acting isn't brilliant. I know. BUT- the story line intrigues me. And the lead boy is cute. :) It's also based on a HUGE Sci Fi book series by Terry Goodkind called The Sword of Truth series. I just bought the first one from Half Price... and it's like 900 pages long... I'm not kidding. What have I gotten myself into?! lol

5) My body is infected with some itchy rash. I actually think it's a combo of really bad razor burn, dry skin and an irritation to sleeping with sheets again... I just sleep with a blanket on me now, for some reason. Regardless, my legs itch like crazy. But I love baby lotion, so I've been lathering up and I smell good and lavender-y now. :)

6) Everytime I hear a police siren, I think the police are coming to arrest me for using Limewire to download music... guilty conscience? Yes. Will I delete my music? No??

7) I can't wait to start working at the zoo every morning! I love my favorite place in the whole world! I really do!

8) It warms my heart when mothers at church tell me that their children pray for "Ms. Kelly" every night. Aww! Thank you so much! I also found out that one of my AWANA girls prays for me and my husband on a weekly basis. 11 years old... and amazing in so many ways!! How I love them all!

Ok... good update? I dunno... but I thought one was appropriate! :)

Good Buys!!

2009-04-30T13:53:00.003-05:00

I love a good sale! I mean, who doesn't?! And as an almost graduate with a non-existent job looming on the horizon, it is imperative that I spend as little as possible to save up for real things... like food. So, I don't really get to indulge myself in the shopping world.

Well, today I changed that. I went to Half Price, which in itself is a good buy all around. It is so fantastic, and their prices are more than affordable! A + HPB!

Then I went to Hobby Lobby... and I totally forgot how much I love that place! I mean, I don't think I've been in there all semester. :) It was so much fun to go in! Anyways, I needed scrapbook paper... and all their paper was 50% off! So, I got 17 sheets for like $2.50! CRAZY! I hope their sale lasts next Monday, cause I need some more stuff!

THEN, I went to Kohls. I had one of those gift card things from the mail... it was a FREE $10 on any one item in the store. So, I found a shirt I liked and only paid $3.78 for it! yay!!!!!!

See, I love sales... and free things. :)

If I come across any other good buys, I will let you know. They are too good to pass up!

I Can't Sleep

2009-04-22T00:58:00.002-05:00

I can't sleep.

It's 12:59 AM

I just turned on my Web Cam on my computer and decided to film myself. And I have been really frustrated because I've been pulling out my hair again. A lot. And it hurts and everytime I do it I want to throw up a little and I hate myself and I hate myself and I hate myself.

I just videoed it... it's horrific. It's not as bad as it has been in the past... but it was getting so much better, and I ruined it. I can't believe myself. My stupid self. I am so weak. I try to fix all of my problems on my own. And I can't fix this. And it drives me crazy. I want my mom. I want her to be here to talk to. I want to tell her what's wrong with me. I want her to hold me. But it is completely impossible. And that hurts almost as much as my partially bald head.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell my dad. He will be so disappointed in me. He will not understand. I can't make anybody understand because I don't understand. I don't want to do this. I don't. But I also don't know how to stop. And it's killing me. Literally. I have lost a lot of weight recently. And I'm not puking up my food or starving myself. My body just doesn't want food like it used to. It's like my mom's death all over again. I just have no appetite.

I'm supposed to talk to my therapist tomorrow. Should I tell her that I've been pulling again? That I am out of control. That I feel like I have no control over my mind- or my hands.

I need someone to tell me what to do!!! Please. Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I want God to tell me what to do... GOD- MAKE ME STOP!! Heal me! Please! I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't keep lying to people. I can't make people think that I'm fine when I'm not. I need help. I need you to help me.

Necessary, yet so not...

2009-04-21T21:43:00.004-05:00

I have been dealing with a lot of "un bloggable" issues the past few weeks. I think it's really therapeutic and necessary for me to write about them. I don't know how personal I am going to get here... how personal do you want?! So bear with me, you few readers, while I take this bloggtastic journey of self discovery.

Our country is soooo sexually driven. I am amazed at how it is all jumping out at me all of a sudden. It's in movies. (Twilight, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, even stinkin' High School Musical...) It's in music. (OMG... Britney Spears 'If You Seek Amy'?!?!?! I just found out about this today... I am appalled, and yet the song is oddly catchy) Even my beloved books. I hate to admit that the sexual tension in literature is everywhere... and yet it draws you in when you know it shouldn't.

I would be lying to you if I told you that it didn't affect my life. The older I get, the harder it is to ignore. I have never had a boyfriend. I don't want you thinking that I have all this experience with boys... I don't. But I would be lying (again) to say that I don't desire that in some way. Ugh...

And I hate that word! Sex. The sound of it... hearing others say it... I have to close my eyes in movies. And yet it consumes our world. It is everywhere... all the time. And I can not get it out of my head! It's driving me crazy. It's making me alienate myself from people. It makes me even more uncomfortable around boys than I already am.

And oh how I want a boyfriend... I mean, I want a boy to look at me the way I have always dreamt of. Who will tell me how he feels for me right away, without holding anything back, like I know that I will do. Words left unsaid just end up getting lost... and I don't want something terrible to happen to someone I love and know that I never had told them how I feel. I deal with that every day when I think about my mom. How I do not remember the last thing I said to her, but I remember that day, standing outside her door and wondering if I should go in and wake her up to tell her goodbye for the day, and I didn't. I want to stop living my life this way! I want to find someone to share that with!

And as graduation comes closer and closer, I find this window of opportunity closing before my eyes. I thought college was the place to meet my boyfriend. 'High school is over rated. But college has "mature" boys, who see me for who I am on the inside.' But oh how delusions slip past us. And so for four years I have waited... maybe 8 if you're going to count high school. Heck, I had my first major crush on a boy in the 5th grade, when I was 11, let's make it 12. 12 years. For someone- anyone- to find me desireable, attractive. To find me what they were looking for. To find me. Well, news flash world! I am never going to be that girl that you are looking for. The only boy who will ever flirt with me are the 3 year olds in my Sunday School class who cry when I am not at church.

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, enough. I'm done. My boyfriend is not coming. And even though I know you are going to tell me that 'God has the right boy picked out for you and he will come at the right time'... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Cause let me give you a little glimpse into my life... I sit alone every single night. I have tried being patient. I have tried waiting. I have tried flirting. And I have come to this truth- that the Lord wants me to be single. In his "perfect plan" for my life, dating, a realtionship, love, or whatever is not in the cards. And I don't know why.

I am lonely.

I am heart sick.

....

I am done.

Psalm 119:9-12

2009-04-19T16:31:00.006-05:00

How can a young man keep his way pure?

By living according to your word.

I seek you with all my heart;

do not leat me stray from your commands.

I have hidden your word in my heart

that I might not sin against you.

Praise be to you, O Lord;

teach me your decrees.

Ouch.

Pics from Grandparent's Computer

2009-04-14T11:00:00.006-05:00

These pics were saved on my Grandparents computer. I don't know why, but I thought you might like to see them:

PS: I still have a HUGE crush on one of the boys in the above pic. You probably would guess wrong if you were trying to guess. But he is amazing, and I think he is precious. :) Maybe one day...

What Do You Say? What Do You Do?

2009-04-09T16:24:00.004-05:00

Today, on many fronts, is a very happy day. Unfortunantly, it is also a very sad day. And not for the reason that you may be thinking.

Today I found out that one of the students at our school, Erin Buenger, died this morning. THANK GOD that I was told at the end of the day after everyone had left. I do not think I could have handeled myself in front of the other kids.

I have following Erin's story for a very short time. I first noticed her the second week I was at school. I had to sit in front of a bathroom for four days- remember?! Erin and her science teacher would walk down together and come back from lunch every day. This may sound weird because all kids walk down the halls, but on TAKS days, the kids have lunch in their rooms so I was a little curious. I found out throuh my friends who had her in their classes that Erin has Stage IV Neuroblastoma. Ouch. In my heart of hearts I thought- 'look at her! This girl is a fighter! She is going to make it!' But the diagnosis was bleak. I mean, cancer is ugly. Nueroblastoma is the ugliest. Week after week I would glimpse the precious, laughing, smiling girl in the halls, in the lunch room, in class.

When I moved to my new placement, I didn't see her as much as I thought. She had gotten sick and stayed home often. She would come up for half days, but leave early. I still cherished the time I got to see her. How joyful was this little girl! What a smile- and what a spirit! I never talked to Erin, but it was obvious. You could see it. You could feel it.

I heard the other boys and girls talk about her. Everyone loved her. And now, I think about that school. The one I won't be at come Monday. I think about my students in 2nd and 3rd period- her classmates. The girls that were on her soccer team. The boys that would come over to read and play games. I think of the teachers who have to look at the desk that she is supposed to be in! I think of the hallways being a much different place now. How are we going to get through this? How do you tell a child that another child has died? And that there is NO REASON for her to be gone? That cancer makes no sense? That a child can be healthy one month, and have stage IV terminal cancer the next? How do we not walk around scared out of our minds that the same thing may happen to us, or to the ones we love?

I turned off my radio when I got in the car and I talked to God on the way home. I needed answers and I needed to know that Erin was in heaven now. But God is not going to tell me either of these things. I belive that Erin is in heaven at this moment. I did not know her, but I know my God- who is merciful and loving above all else. You said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these". While he may give this peace to me, I still have so many questions that I will never know the answers to. But I need to believe and trust in my God's eternal plan. That "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord". That God's hand is in all of this- in Erin's life and death, in my mother's, in my being at Jane Long and knowing of Erin but never meeting her, in the fact that I chosen a profession in which this may be something that is not uncommon. God is perparing me and my heart and he is teaching me something. When the time comes, I will see it. My eyes will be open and I fully thank God for what has happened today, as I continue to do in my own life, years later when I think back on the life of my mother and what a blessing her life and death were in my life.

I love you all. Tell everyone you care about that you love them. Live your life never holding back. And praise the Lord through it all!

*Note: The pictures above are from Erin's Home, Erin Buenger's mothers blog. If you choose to visit, you have been warned that they hold nothing back. It is shocking, yet beautiful. Until the end they stayed positive and wanted to share Erin's story with the world. I am just passing it along, in hopes that you will learn from Erin's life and live yours just as powerfully!*

A Post Left to Be Titled For Various Reasons.

2009-04-06T21:52:00.003-05:00

Whooo Hoo! It's Monday! My LAST Monday at JLMS. My LAST Monday to wake up at the crack of dawn for at LEAST another 5 weeks... I believe... possibly more than that.

As you can see, or may have been able to tell from my previous postings, I just love posting pictures. I always try to find on that fits my mood. This picture only fits part of my mood. The joyful-exhuberant-dancing-rocking out-hallelujah shouting-praise toting-jump jivin' and groovin' girl that I feel like at the moment. Only part of me feels this way- but a good part of me. I can not wait for school to be done. I can not wait to sleep in til 9!! (which is waaaaaaaaaaay late for me) I can not wait to be home and cuddle with my puppy dog! I can not wait to read every book that has been on my list of books to read since the beginning of time! I can not wait to start my job at the zoo! (I may get to work 8 weeks! But I'm not sure yet!)

Another part of me is sad. Part of me (as much as I hate to admit it) does not want to leave the school. I like most of the kids. I am very comfortable with most of the staff. I have not had the best mentor teachers, but I have learned so much from both of them. I have not had the easiest time adjusting but I did. I have cried my fair share of tears but I have come out a better and stronger person from it.
Now I have to say goodbye. Goodbye to JLMS. Goodbye to all of the wonderful teachers who have brought so much joy to my job. Goodbye to my dearest student teachers who have gotten me through this when I thought nothing else would. And even bigger goodbyes than these. Goodbye to College Station, where everything is familiar and safe. Goodbye to my wonderful church family, who I will miss more than words can say! Goodbye to all my girls at church who have impacted my life over the past 3 years... what will I do without you all?! Goodbye to my school friends, my A&M friends, the ones who get to stay when I have to leave it behind. Goodbye to my college career. It's been fun- the best 4 years of my LIFE. Seriously. Even without a boyfriend, it has been truly memorable.

So now I get to say I get to say hello to being an adult. To getting a job. To being the best teacher I can be, no matter where that is. To a new church family and new kids to love on. To a new boyfriend... or A boyfriend (how can he be new if he's the first?!) To letting God lead my life instead of leading it myself. Sigh. It's going to be real. And fun. And I am so glad that you are going to be here for the journey!

A Dose of Funny for you

2009-04-05T16:01:00.002-05:00

Wow.

I needed to laugh in the worst way tonight. No lie! I just feel like I haven't had a funny moment happen to me in a while... and then this little beauty comes across my computer screen, thanks to a very special, sweet young lady named Hannah:

Please tell me you are laughing!!

This is Tim Hawkins. He is a Christian comedian. And I find him so so hilarious! Maybe it's just me.

I have found so much to laugh about in his videos today. I need to lighten up about life- seriously!!

Ok, I will put a few more on here for you to "LOL" to. You will thank me!!

Hear the Song of my life

2009-03-29T21:31:00.002-05:00

*Turn my blog soundtrack or whatever is called off and listen to this song PRONTO!*

http://sarahreeves.sparrowrecords.com/

I was trying to embed this video into my blog... turns out YouTube is trickier to navigate than I thought... :) So go to this website and listen to her. Whoo! She is good!

I had this really neat blog post all set up in my mind for you to read and get excited about.

But I do not feel up to it.

I hate to admit this but it's getting more glaringly obvious by the day: I have to grow up.

I know. You have to too. It's not fun. No one likes growing up, least of all me. I feel like I still have living to do. I want to be a "kid" for a few more years. I want to stay in college for a while longer. I want to have lunch with people every day of the week.

Getting a job changes that. I have a committment to make. I have a place to report to and leave from at specifically designed times every day. I have lives in my hands, and minds looking at me for guidance. *shudder*

I have been listening to Sarah Reeves song "Sweet, Sweet Sound". It reminds me a lot of you, Val. She is such a great song writer and her message is speaking such volumes with me in my life right now. I want this to be the "song of my life". I want to be this passionate about living my life for the Lord!!

Whoo... i am tired... I will post more later! I love you... :)

For Val

2009-03-21T23:10:00.004-05:00

... I just found out that Season 7 of Degrassi is on DVD now...

OMG...

I am buying it, and then coming to Abilene armed with Degrassi goodness, and we are going to watch seasons 6 and 7 til our eyes pop out...

AND-

they are making a "Degrassi movie" (which is actually 4 episodes, but they are calling it a movie which is good enough for me!)

It's called Degrassi Goes Hollywood!

Here is my fav pic from the ones I have found:

Does this mean that Jay and Manny are going to get back together?! Because I just love them, and I sooooo hope so!

Love you and miss you the most!

Feeling "poopy"

2009-03-19T00:46:00.002-05:00

Hey blog world

You may not want to know this... but I have not been feeling well.

I mean, like, I have no fever. I eat like a crazy person- I still love food. My runny nose has stayed in one spot for most of the day.

Nope- it's not the usual sick. It something... else.

That's right, my closet friends. I now have a new BFF... my toilet. I have been sitting on this thing constantly. I am pretty miserable at the moment. I'll probably be phoning my doctor pretty soon to get myself all checked out. Yay?

Sorry if this post is realllllllllllllly gross to you... it's just on my mind and keeping me awake at the moment. I'm about to go re-read a favorite book, so I'll get off this computer now, and probably go sit back on my potty. Fun for all!

Love you. Hope your spring break has been less "poopy" than mine. :)

More Beautiful You

2009-03-07T15:08:00.002-06:00

I am obsessed with this new artist named Jonny Diaz. I just heard his song on KSBJ. Wow. It's great... I love it! I really connect with this song, and especially as a middle school teacher, it really makes me look at my students, especially my girls, in a completly new way. Here is a link of Jonny talking about his new song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psqOp8pcY0o&feature=channel_page

Is he not precious?! Yes, I think so too.

And here are the lyrics. I have not found a full clip of the song, unless you go to JonnyDiaz.com and click on listen to my music or playlist or something to that effect. He's a good listen, and I will leave you with the lyrics to his new song, More Beautiful You! Enjoy. :)

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine

Says she wants to look that way

But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake

And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see

That beauty is within your heart

And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair

Are perfect just the way they are

(Chorus)

There could never be a more beautiful you

Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through

You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do

So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done

Anything to get ahead

And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan

Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come

You starve yourself to play the part

But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true

And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

Repeat Chorus

So turn around you’re not too far

To back away be who you are

To change your path go another way

It’s not too late you can be saved

If you feel depressed with past regrets

The shameful nights hope to forget

Can disappear they can all be washed away

By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs

Can rid your fears dry all your tears

And change the way you look at this big world

He will take your dark distorted view

And with His light He will show you truth

And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

A Good Mom

2009-02-21T00:26:00.002-06:00

Being sick makes me think about my mom a lot. The one thing I remember best are her hands. That may seem really weird to you, but my mom had these long thin hands and thin fingers (mine look just like hers if you really need a visual) and they were COLD. I don't really know if it was because I had a fever or if she just had cold hands all the time, but I love when someone feels my face or neck for a temp because it makes me think of my mom and how she used to take care of me. :)

It also made me think of what a good mom I will make when and if I have kids. :) When I got sick, my mom got all the good "sick kid foods" out: saltine crackers (the kind in the blue box not generic), chicken soup (campbells or homemade- I like homemade better cause she made it with peas), popcicles (cherry are the best, and no one would eat the grape ones but my dad... things still have not changed), sprite (classic), and my favorite... the best one of all... Blue Bell vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup (BUT you have to stir it all up until it's almost like soft serve... it tastes sooooooooooo much better). I can pretty much duplicate this on my own, but it's always better when someone else is there helping out. That has been the hardest part about not feeling well- my roommates were not at home at all today... or if they were, it was when I was finally able to get a nap in. So, I have spent the day alone.

I have watched a lot of movies. :) I just love watching movies, especially when I don't feel good. When I was younger, my mom used to watch Disney movies with me, and musicals like The Sound of Music and Grease. When my dad would go out of town (which was only once or twice a year), we would rent old Doris Day movies, classics like The Parent Trap and Yours, Mine and Ours, and 80's movies- basically anything with Molly Ringwald. Once, and I think this may have been the only time I ever had the flu, my mom went and brought two Harry Potter books out of the closet. She had been saving them for a special day, and I read them both over the next few days. That was just how great she was. She was always finding ways to love on me and make me feel better.

I want to be that kind of mom. The kind that has gifts for her kids for those special days when they need something extra. The kind that goes on spontaneous trips just for fun. The kind that always wants to hear every little detail about everything. The kind who will hold your hand just because, and let you sit in her lap, even when you get too big. I want to be fun, and loving, and just the best mom ever. But I think I want a husband first. Just saying. :)

I wish you could have met my mom. She really was the best. :) I miss her every single day, but double on days like today. I can't wait to be just like her!

Oh the weather outside is frightful

2009-02-10T22:49:00.003-06:00

I wish it was storming, but all I hear right now is the very loud and nasty wind. Like the girl in the picture, this is how I walk when I go outside. No lie.

It makes me wish that tomorrow wasn't a school day. :/

YAY for Friday night and Saturday!! My daddy is coming and I have a babysitting job for an AWESOME family at church. :)

I will go get sleep now, but for some reason I needed to post about this crazy wind!

You Will Find this Funny

2009-02-05T20:45:00.002-06:00

Go ahead and laugh... but this will be me in 36 days!

A real update this time... maybe?

2009-02-01T22:17:00.005-06:00

Ok, so I decided I would do that thing that everyone else is doing. So, here are 25 things you may or may not know about me:

1) I don't know what I want to do with my life. This one may seem odd to you if you think you know me so well, but I really don't know. I really thought that I might like being a teacher, but I can't seem to find anything I really like about it anymore. I find myself dreading to go back to school other than excited about it. Maybe it's just the school, but I have always wanted to be happy doing what I do, and since I know that this doesn't make me happy, what will?

2) I still sleep with a blankie. I love my blankie. I hate leaving it behind. I've rotated them somewhat, so I am now on my third. My first was polka dotted. It was wonderful. I lost it in a hotel bed when I was 8 or 9. We never got it back. :( My second one lasted way into college. It was yellow and had little holes in it that formed a picture. But it kept getting caught on my bracelet or necklace and the holes became huge and then you couldn't even see the picture and I was afraid to wash it so it started to smell funny... So now I am on blankie number 3. It has care bears on it. I bought it on Ebay. It is wonderful, and very durable, but it could probably do with a wash too.

3) Speaking of Care Bears, I have 33 or 34 (not sure). I have all of the originals but 1 (and I'm not telling which one because I am under the fantastical delusion that my "boyfriend" will get it for me as a gift or something stupid like that) plus the 1991 bears, the "environmental bears" and a few odd balls like a mini bear and a "modern" one that my mom got me at the resale shop. I adore each and every one and plan to decorate my babies nurserys with them.

4) I love kid movies. Like, any movie that the typical 8 or 9 year old would like I like. I rent them from the movie store, and I sometimes wonder what the person behind the counter is thinking. 'Is she renting them for her kids? Does she actually watch this *enter expletive*? Is she unstable... what is this anyway?' I try not to think about these people. I am happy being me and happy with my kid movies.

5) I can't decide what I like better- being alone or with people. Kind of both I guess. I really like being by myself sometimes, but other times I wish the phone would ring inviting me out somewhere. I miss living with my old roommates. I always had someone at home to sit with and talk to. Here, I never see one roommate and the other one is not my friend and clearly never will be. So I don't know if I want to live alone or with a roommate next year...

6) I love mail. I love to check it. I love to open it. I love to send mail and get mail (of course). But right now I have no stamps, and everytime I think about it I'm either too lazy to go buy some or too poor. I used to want to a mail girl when I was growing up, but my mother convinced me that you couldn't go to college to be a mailman, so I gave that dream up.

7) I don't drink Coke. Nope, I never have and I probably never will. I believe that I have tried it before, at some point. But I do not drink Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi, Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper... if it's not clear or Lemonade then it probably won't appeal to me.

8) I also don't eat fish or ham. I don't eat fish because 1) I don't like the taste, and 2) I caught my first fish when I was 6 or 7. My dad told me it was a flounder. Wow, flounder... like the little mermaid! Yay! Then we ate "flounder" for dinner... and I have never touched a fish since.
I don't eat ham because, again, 1) I don't like how it tastes, and 2) I went to summer camp one year and was told that all the ham came from baby pigs... even though that was completely untrue, ham still makes my stomach queasy and I won't eat it.

9) I'm afraid of rejection. This is very very true about me. It's why I never went out for sports- I was afraid of being bad and kicked off of a team. It's why I quit acting- I hated people telling me I was never good enough. It's why I'm secretly afraid to date anyone. It's why I would rather not call someone on the phone- because I'm afraid that they won't want to talk or hang out or be around me. I am afraid of not being liked, and this is a huge problem that I have always dealt with.

10) I want to write a childrens book. I have yet to come up with any ideas, really, but I would love to be an author. One day it will come to me, but for now, I will stick to reading.

11) I love to read and I read constantly. But, of course, I read Young Adult and Teen books. They are way more my style- adult books are boring! Blech! I currently own around 1200 books and counting. They are all archieved in an excel speadsheet... I wish I was making that up.

12) I hate sleeping away from home. I have never, ever liked sleepovers! I perfer my own home to anyone elses. It was a real problem when I was growing up. My parents disconnected the house phone one time so I couldn't call home for them to come and pick me up- so mean!

13) I am obsessed with zoos. It's funny, because before I worked there I had only been to the zoo a handful of times. Now, we go ALL the time. I really want to go to the San Diego Zoo as a graduation present. :) The zoo is one of the only places that I feel truly content and at peace. It is also my dream job, and I know that some day I will work there!

14) I am a blog stalker. Roll your eyes and make fun of me if you will, but I just love reading blogs. Two of the more random ones I follow are "...where laughter lives" and "my charming kids" (by the way, she cracks me up and her kids are cute as buttons!). Go to both of these blogs and fall in love with these families! They are so amazing, and I wish that I could meet them both.

15) I have to do 10 more of these suckers and I don't what else to write because I am whiped and have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow for another week of school. Gag. (see? can you tell that I am not at all happy?)

16) I hate sharing. Another thing that this year has taught me is that I hate sharing fridges, bathrooms and TV's with other people. I just want to shout- "This is MINE gosh darn-it!", even though I know perfectly well that it is not. So, reason number 482 that God doesn't want me to have a bf yet...

17) I have the best of intentions with everything I do. I always say I'm going to do things, and think of wonderful things to do, and attempt to do and think these wonderful things at all times, but I fall very very short of that goal, and I am not at all ashamed of admitting that to you.

18) The clock in my room has read 4:06 for almost a year now. I always catch myself looking at it to see what time it is. I should put new batteries in it, I know, but batteries are expensive and if they are not a necessity I will not buy them. So one day, when I look at the clock, it will be 4:06 and I will be a very happy girl.

19) I procrastinate. Like today, for example. I knew I needed to finish my lesson plans ( I need 5 more for next week) and here is what I did instead: watched snipits of TV (I changed the channel about every 20 min), took a HUGE nap, went to AWANA, watch some eps of Dawsons Creek, showered, ate some mashed potatoes and Girl Scout cookies and spent forever on the computer writing this... Maybe I will do them tomorrow.

20) I want to travel the world. I want to go to every US state, and snorkel off the coast of some random island, and walk the streets that Jesus walked and go to Africa and eat real Chinese food in China and hear music at the Sydney Opera house and go on a Meditteranean Cruise and who knows what else. I want to be able to see how amazing our world is!

21) I love my pajamas. They are my favorite outfit that I own. If I could, I would wear them always. In fact, maybe that can be part of my job requirement. *note to self: find a job that encourages the use of PJ's on a regular basis*

22) I love to be loved. Reason number 211 that God hasn't given me a bf is that he knows I will drop the L bomb as soon as said bf says hello to me. Sad, Kelly, sad. But it's true- I need constant love, and hugs and people being excited to see me and all of that. I NEED to feel loved. It's when I don't feel that way that I start getting really depressed.

23) I sing all the time. I sing in the shower and in my room and at school. I am baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad at singing, I know. I am very off key and have no ear for tone. I was in choir in school because high school is inclusive and everybody gets in. :) I lip synced most of the hard stuff.

24) I am a FIRM believer in Jesus Christ. He is my Lord and my Savior. He bore my sins on the cross so that by believing in Him, I could have eternal life in HEAVEN!! He blesses me continuously, even though I do nothing to deserve it. He is the reason I am here and alive and am able to do the things that I do. He loves me more than anyone!! And yet, I will be honest, I still question him. Everyday. I have my faults and my short comings, and yet i know that my God does not let me down. He never has and he never will.

25) I am wrapping this up with words of advice that I want you all to know: never take anything in your life for granted, because you never know when it could all be gone. Treat each person you meet with love, even when it is hard. Smile when you don't feel like it. Hold your tounge when you feel like you may say something you shouldn't. Tell the people you love that you LOVE them. Praise and thank the Lord EVERY DAY for what he has given you and even for what he has taken away. "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21

Rock Your Socks

2009-01-24T00:19:00.002-06:00

These little girls are going to rock your socks off- trust me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7HJOTVA-t0&feature=channel

Wow! I know.

And all shall know the wonder...

2009-01-13T18:35:00.007-06:00

Sunday afternoon will forever be on my mind as one of the best theatre experiences I have EVER had. Sunday I got to see the Tony Award Winner of 2007...

I have nothing but GOOD things to say... nay, not good- EXCELLENT. It such a beautiful, beautiful musical. I refuse to give anything away if you haven't seen it, but it is a musical that deals with so many issues that teens face- sexuality, first love, puberty, angst, confusion... the list goes on, but this musical takes it all on. And it has some of the best music, written by the INCREDIBLE Duncan Sheik! He is a music genius!!

My seat was FANTABULOUS! Here is a seating chart so you can see just how good it was:

Ok, look at the purple... and then find L on the right... YEP! I was THERE! This is the second closet I have ever been to the stage, and it was worth every penny!!

My cast was nothing short of miraculous. Their energy was amazing. Their acting real and raw. The voices were powerful and moving.

Christy and Kyle as Wendela (Vendala) and Melchior, were sensational!!

The B**** of Living was my FAVORITE number!! Those boys were INSANE!

And yes, the girls who awesome!! I love Gabby, in the red. I wish they would let her solo more- because she was FIERCE!

Sigh. I left my HEART with this musical. It was everything I was hoping it to be and more. If you live in HTown, it will be there til the 18th... GET A TICKET! And if you do- call me and I'll go with you. You can make it my graduation present. :)

And here is a video, since I don't leave you lacking, do i?! :) :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-yvzGjTvKo

This is my cast singing The B**** of Living. Gotta love 'em!!!!!!!!!

Kelly's FAVORITE things #2

2009-01-03T17:52:00.008-06:00

Ok, I know, I know...

It hasn't even been 24 hours. I'm going crazy. I'm super homesick. I have no connection to the room mate who is living with me at the moment. I don't really have any friends who are here, so I have no one to talk to. I have been in my room all day long. Alone. It's been a horribly depressing day.

But- on a happier note, I have another favorite thing! If you know me, you know all about it. But I've been missing it terribly- which I find myself missing when I am homesick or wish I could be anywhere else.

And what is it?? What could it possibly be?!

Yes. One of my favorite places of all time is the most amazing place in the world: The Houston Zoo. I want to work there. I love it more than any other place. I would go every week if I could.

Here are reasons that I love it:
1) The carnivores!!!! I worked in Carnivores the summer before my senior year of high school. It seems like so long ago- but it was the best summer I have ever had. It defenitely a blessing from the Lord. My dad and I were talking about the zoo the other day, and he told me that the Zoo was the one thing that I was passionate about. I mean, I did other things that I loved, but the Zoo was the one place that I would wake up at 6am for with no complaint. I scooped poop with a smile. I fell in love with EVERY animal that I met and got to work with.

Pandu and Jammu

Nieve

Miracle

2) The campers! I had the most fun teaching Zoo Camp the summer before I started college. It was so much fun, and I learned a LOT and I found out that I really love to teach kids. I especially love to teach kids about how wonderful animals are and how they can help save animals. The kids were precious, the days were HOT but the rewards were AMAZING. :)

The little blonde boy in front is my favorite camper- Julian. He was SO cute!

3) Ok, my favorite animal of ALL time was a Zebra named Adam. He came when I called him. He tried to follow me when it was time for me to leave. He loved me. I loved him. I miss him so much!

So, now you know. The zoo is the best place in the whole entire world! If you haven't been since you were a kid, then you have really missed out because the zoo is better than it's EVER been! I love it, and I hope you love it too!

Kelly's FAVORITE things #1

2009-01-02T18:31:00.007-06:00

I will be updating you from time to time on things that I REALLY love. Like, silly things. Or yummy things. Or serious things. Who knows?! And who knows when you will get this kind of update? I guess when I feel like it.

So... without further ado...

My favorite thing #1:

AMERICAN GIRL DOLLS!!!!!

Hahaha. Yes, laugh yourself silly, but I truly love these dolls and books and yes, even movies! I went in my dad's closet when I was home, which used to be my mom's, and I got down my box that has them in it. I have 3: Kirsten (my first... I think I was in 3rd grade? Maybe?), a "look a like" doll, which they call Just Like You. She has brown hair and blue eyes. I know, she looks just like me. :)
The 3rd doll I have is Felicity. I LOVE her. She is my favorite! I bought her with my babysitting money in Middle School. Back when they were only, like, 70 dollars. Oh how times have changed.

Now, why do I love them so much??

1) They are POSITIVE role models for girls!! There are a lot of things out there that break my heart for this generation of kids. But American Girl Dolls are just such happy, positive reminders for girls that they BE anything and DO anything. Wonderful, wonderful!

2) Umm... they are SO cute!! Like, really, really cute! How can you not go Aww? When you see them?!

3) They all have books that go along with them, which encouarge girls to read! And you know how much I love reading.

4) There are 4 movies: Samantha, Felicity, Molly and Kit. There will also be a movie coming out soon with the new Girl of the Year, Chrissa. I find them very cute and entertaining- check them out!

5) They have their own STORE!!!!! No one knows how badly I want to go to this store! I found that there is one in Dallas, so I may need some girls to road trip with me up there. It must be a pretty amazing place. :)

To date, 9 American Girls, 5 Best Friends of American Girl Dolls, and they have had 7 "Girl of the Year" dolls to date, with the current Girl of the Year, Chrissa, having 2 Best Friends. I know! 2!!!
Here is a pic of Chrissa and her friends:

Are they not PRECIOUS?!

Ok, so now you know. I still love dolls! If I could, I would own them ALL. No lie. And if I ever find one, for like, REALLY cheap- heck yes I will buy it! I hope that one day I will have a little girl who loves dolls and American girls as much as I do!

The Year in Review

2008-12-31T21:28:00.015-06:00

Here is my year in review:

January: I start the year out with only one roomie instead of two. :( Ash moves back home to student teach. Val and I begin to really get to know each other. Start out my year as ASC VP.

February - April: Anything? Anybody? No?...

May: Study Abroad in Switzerland. AMAZING! I was a homesick basket case, though, so it's no big surprise that I didn't make any "best friends" on this trip.

June: Have to miss Ash's wedding for a "cousins" wedding. Longest car ride of my life.

Val gets married. Go the wrong way for, like, 20 minutes and go 80 down the freeway so that I can make it just in time. She was beautiful!!

July: Summer School at A&M. I almost die from Statistics. Computer is stolen... pretty darn suckish. Thanks robbers- thanks a lot.

August: I am finally a SENIOR! WHOOP! Get OBSESSED with all things Beijing Olympics. Watch Michael Phelps make history! I can't believe I have to wait another 4 years.

September: Start my Method's semester at Cypress Grove Intermediate, 5th grade English. I left my heart with those children. Aggie Ring Day! Get my picture on the front page of the Bryan Eagle. Go to the ER for the first time in my life. Just a ulcer... no biggie. :)

October: The twins are born!! October 6th we welcome Campbell and Colby into our family.

November: Elephant Walk. Didn't walk- just took my pic with some pretty awesome elephants. Thanksgiving. I turn 22.

December: Banquet out of ASC. Best 2 1/2 years of college! Go to my first ASC formal and LOVE it. Christmas roles around.

Well. What do you think? Was it a good year? Did I miss anything important? :)

2008 has been fun but I can't help but think that 2009 has some wonderful things in store for me!! Have a Happy New Year all!

The TRUE meaning of Christmas?

2008-12-29T22:17:00.005-06:00

I have been absent from the blog world for a while lately because of many things... but mainly because I haven't had anything important to say. Christmas put me in a funk- like I feel like it always does. I try to remind myself at the end of every Christmas that I need to spend the next one being more appreciative, more loving, more than what I really am. And I always end up bitter and crabby and a little frustrated.

Let me start off by saying that my family is wonderful, but also a little frustrating. Just a little. I may have blogged about this before, or told you about this before, but my dad and siblings and I (and my mom) are the only strong Christians in our family. If you asked anyone in my family if they were going to heaven when they die they would say Yes, but if you asked them why... they couldn't tell you. And that breaks my heart. But it shows up so much in their daily lives. In what they spend their time on, their money on, their priorities on. The first thing they say to me on Christmas morning is, "What did you get for Christmas?!" Now, I will be the first to admit, I love presents. I thinking gift giving is the love language that appeals to me the most, because gifts really show how much people care about you. The more heartfelt, homemade, personal, thoughtful the better. I don't need flashy bells and whistles. It just kind of throws Christmas into this commercial holiday when that's all people want to hear about. JESUS was born on Christmas day. He came into this world just so he could die for us. It was the best gift we have ever been given. I skim over this detail too a lot of the time. But this year, it was important for me to remember this fact.

Now- present wise, I didn't do too bad if you look at different sides of the gift giving spectrum. First, my dad has a tough time with gift giving. It was my mom's job. But he did really well. He got me some cute PJ's, a beautiful teacher outfit (though the pants were a tad big- but I AM excited that I am no longer a size 10!), a purple sweater and a Point of Grace CD collection. He did so well.

My grandmother wanted to get me teacher supplies for Christmas. :) Awww. She got me an electric pencil sharpener, a tape dispenser, pencils (the yellow kind), and highlighters. lol My dad and I just die laughing, but she was so sweet in thinking about me like that. All of that really will come in handy, and I will think of her every time I sharpen a pencil and get a piece of tape.

My aunt... well, she has the best of intentions but they just fall short. She fills my stocking now that my mom is gone, but she stinks at it. No chocolate. :( Fuzzy socks... which I don't ever wear, but yet always get. Soap... yes, bars of soap. Why? Do I stink? And the soap doesn't even smell good. *sigh* and then gifts- I get "matching" gifts with my cousin. Why?!?!?!?!?!?! Are we still 5? It doesn't matter. And the matching gifts aren't even cute. Yuck. I want people to surprise me, but from now I am making a list... you can follow the list, or just donate the money you would be spending on me to charity.

My brother and sister did great. I got a double boiler (for melting chocolate) from my brother and his wife, and an Astros jersey for my sister! The latter was a HUGE surprise... I didn't think I'd ever get one, but I've always wanted one. And whose Jersey is it??

Yes, the gorgeous Hunter Pence. :) My sister did AMAZING this year. But then again, she always does.
Even my dad's girlfriend did well- a 50$ gift card to Kelly's "heaven on earth". Barnes. Sigh. Thank you!! Someone finally listened to me. Oh, and did I mention I am now a MEMBER of B&N? Yes!

Today my dad and I went and got me a new size in pants and then exchanged my phone for a new one. I will miss my old little mini brick, but now I have a purple phone. It's true! But what is even more amazing is that I have found the most AMAZING website for ringtones. I will share it with you- but you will hate me because you will be addicted now. http://www.pisamba.com

You can download your own songs from your computer, edit them to the part you want, and then send them to your phone. Ooo! I know. It's exciting!

We went to Dallas this weekend. I got to hold my sweet babies. I got lots of sweet baby smiles. I felt torn in two the whole time. Part of me was in Dallas but a bigger part wanted to be here so that I could see Val. She hasn't returned my texts, voicemails or fbook messages, but if she is reading- I am so sorry. I have missed you and I love you and it was not fair to you that I didn't tell you what my weekend plans were or that I didn't call sooner. Please forgive me. :(

Today was good. My sister and brother in law and nieces came over to have dinner and Christmas. Avery is 6 and already reads AMAZINGLY well. She may have enough attitude to keep up my middle schoolers, but she is so funny and sweet (when she wants to be). Ashley is a mess and a half. She's been lieing a lot- like, a lot. And she needs a few good spankings. But I love her. How can you not? Riley, my dog, threw up 3 times today. I'm not really sure what is wrong. Just an upset tummy, I hope. He's been super cuddly and in my lap a lot today, which I guess means he really is a sick puppy.

I'm going back to CS on Thursday. I will be meeting my new teacher on Friday for a few hours to talk about Monday and this semester. I think this will make me feel a lot better about everything. And with my new EZ Grader, I now feel ready to face the world. Well, not really, but I really do love that EZ Grader. :) I set up a teacher blog too, so I will be double blogging from now on, I guess. The address is: msmccreery.blogpot.com

Go check me out. :)

Well, I am off to bed for the night. I love you all! Thank you for keeping up with my life. You are all so wonderful and incredibly important to me.

-KelBel

PS: Does anyone know someone who may want to take some pics of me that I can send off as graduation pics? I can't pay a lot (or any really... if we're being honest), but I would love for someone to help me with pics. Even if you take them with my camera. :)

This is how I feel

2008-12-24T16:34:00.003-06:00

I'm a little like Charlie Brown today... "Good Grief!"

Midnight Musings

2008-12-20T00:34:00.003-06:00

Ok, being at home suuuuuuucks. I need College Station, where I feel comfortable and in my element. I need my friends who can always pull me out of my slump. I need the accountability that is provided to me through ASC, and my amazing WIL Group and Grace on a weekly if not daily basis. I have fallen into bad habits, which had started back in CS and which need to end immediantly, and bad thoughts, which seem to plauge me more and more as I venture home.

Today, I was facebook "chat attacked" by a girl I went to high school with- we will call her B. B and I were friends to a degree, but I was a certain person when I was with her that I am ashamed to admit to being. Thinking about it sends me on a guilt trip down the river of denial, which is how I always feel, but never mind that.
Anyways, B asked me about school and I told her about graduation coming up in May and getting to student teach. She asked me if I was going to teach when I got out of school, and I was like... umm, duh, of course. Aren't you? I asked, because she wants to be a teacher as well. And her response to me? Oh, not right away, I want to have a baby first. Now, granted, she JUST got married- maybe a month ago- though I guess if B reads my blog she can correct me if I am wrong. But I was slightly taken aback. A baby?! A real one? Like, one you have to keep and raise and have call you Mom? One that spits up and poops, and then eventually learns to talk and yells things like NO and GO AWAY and then eventually ignores you and belittles you because all kids think they are cooler than their parents and then eventually leaves, while along the way making good and bad descisions, partly based on what you, as the parent, were expected to teach them? THAT kind of kid?
Whew- I am so not ready for that responsibility. (Though if you know me- you know my desire to be a parent ONE day- not now though). Now, no offense at all meant to B. Everyone has a calling in life. She may be a great mom right now. I just know that isn't something that I can handle at this point in my life.

And then she asks me the few questions that I have been dreading anyone from my past ask me.
1) Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: Nope
Should have been my answer: Can you not see my status on facebook? Does the big flashing SINGLE sign not clue you in? And if I WAS in a relationship, wouldn't he be writing cute little love notes on my fbook wall and have a whole album dedicated to him??? (Which, I actually have no idea if that would actually happen- but it's something I wouldn't put past myself.)

2) Have you ever had a boyfriend?
Answer: lol. nope.
Should have been my answer: *sob* Does that answer your question?

3) Why?
Answer: I guess my standards are too high?! Not really sure. It's just not my time yet. He's there somewhere.
Sould have been my answer: .... are you kidding me? You don't say one word to me for maybe four years- including when my mom died- and now you expect me to divulge my innermost thoughts to you? HA!

4) So... did you ever get your first kiss before you graduated?
Answer: No. I don't want to force it. I want it to be with the right person for all the right reasons because I want it to actually mean something- not just because it's to complete a goal.
Should have been my answer: Exactly that. :)

I HATE thinking about the future- but that's what happens to me when I am at home. I wonder if I will ever find this boy- who will love and cherish me and see all the good in me that I still don't see in myself. Who will look at me with the love I have always desired and been afraid of. Who will seek the Lord's guidance in persuing me. Who will propose to me and kiss me like I have always dreamed about. Gaggggggg.... I'm grossing myself out.

Now- I know what you are thinking. Kelly- you are 22! Don't rush it!
I know- ok. I was there when I was born. I know how long I've been alive. But my greatest fear in the whole world is that I will die before I ever get the chance to know what true love looks like. We loose our desires in heaven because our only desire is to be in the presence of the Lord. And as wonderful as that is (and I say this with sincerity), I just wish I could experience all the earthly desires of my heart... selfish selfish girl. I know.

Ok, so I now think that facebook chat is now a tool of the devil. I can not believe these thoughts are in my head and verbalizing themselves into meaningless words on a computer screen.

If you are reading this- I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here. I need all your hugs and love and for you to fuss at me and to tell me to snap out of it. I can't wait to see you all soon!!!!

My heart is hurting

2008-12-17T20:35:00.004-06:00

I found out today that a little girl in the Cypress Fairbanks area of Houston was hit by a drunk driver on Tuesday. She died yesterday around 7pm. Look at this face. She was 13 years old. She liked to draw and she liked art. She loved life. Christmas is in 7 days. And the man that killed her doesn't even care.

I have never hurt so much for someone I have never known before. I truly hope that God is taking care of Nicole. And I hope that this man, whoever he is, sees how senseless his actions are. I will never, ever want to pass a school bus, or to speed through a school zone. How, how sad.

Broadway Blog Tuesday!

2008-12-16T11:05:00.005-06:00

Ok, so to go along with my obsession with all things Broadway, I am devoting my blog to Broadway on Tuesdays! Oh yay! I'll pick a new song, or musical, or performer to highlight. It's going to be way fun!

And the first musical of our series is currently my new favorite entitled: 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Synopsis: Evan Goldman has it all: He's popular, has the “perfect” family and lives in the world’s greatest city — New York. When his parents get divorced, he's forced to move with his Mom…to Indiana. Uprooted from his old life, he must maneuver his way through the minefield of high school to become part of the in crowd. 13 is a high-energy musical about growing up, dealing with change and learning that becoming who you want to be starts with discovering who you are.

I LOVE 13! It's fantabulous! What is awesome about it is that it is the ONLY show EVER to have an entire teenage cast and teenage band- no adults at ALL! Wow! What an accomplishment! And so fantastic!

Here are some of my favorite songs (but I secretly love them all!):

It Can't Be True: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgXgnh_HTnQ

- "Holy macaroni!" this song is always stuck in my head

Bad, Bad News: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4nPHo2mIi8&feature=related

- "he fell for a slut with a fabulous butt"; yes, i love this song!

What It Means to Be a Friend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRKHzZyISqc

- this is Allie, who plays Patrice, performing the song live! She is GREAT, isn't she?!

Now, no lie, you can listen to the whole CD on YouTube. I do it all the time, and I LOVE it! It's so much fun!

Sadly, this show is closing on Broadway on January 4th. :( The economy SUCKS right now. BUT- it may get a national tour, and if it does, expect me to Blog about getting to go see it! Yay!

Adoption IS the option!

2008-12-12T11:11:00.003-06:00

No no... I am not pregnant. (how would THAT have happened?!) But I have been thinking about this for a while...

To adopt or not to adopt? I know, I can't believe I am already thinking about this, but I have the strongest pull in my heart to adopt. I may be single, 22 and in no way ready to be a mom, but I feel in my heart that adoption is for me. I have been so moved by adoption stories of other families out there. I want to share with you two of the stories that have affected me as of late.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK4AsmTiPes

I wish there was a way I could post the video onto this blog for you to see. But go to YouTube and check it out. You won't be disappointed that you did. Have you ever seen a more beautiful smile?!

http://blessingsfromethiopia.blogspot.com/

I have been so blessed from reading about this family. What amazing things they are doing through adoption!! I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen it.

I have a little boy in my Sunday school class named Chance. He is probably one of the cutest little boys I have ever seen in my entire life. He is my buddy. You should just see the smile on his face when he sees me on Sunday mornings. My heart breaks that I won't be there for a few weeks! I need to get a pic of this little boy for you. But the reason I am mentioning Chance is that he is adopted. You can't tell. His mommy and daddy are HIS mommy and daddy and he will talk your ear about them. He loves them. He has so much love to give. Now imagine a child in an orphanage, anywhere really, who has all this love to give but has no one to give it to. It breaks my heart to think about all the children I want to wrap my arms around and bring home with me. I truly hope that if God has chosen for me to have a husband that his heart is in the same place that mine seems to have been in the past few months.

Are you called to adopt? Have you ever thought about it before? It is not an easy task and it is not a cheap one. Check out that blog link up there if you don't believe me. But what a beautiful picture it paints for us of God's love. We were orphans, and God pulled us out and called us His own. He loves us like NO ONE can ever love us. To give a child even a tenth of that love would be such an honor, and to introduce them to life filled with Jesus would be the best gift you could give them.

I'm not sure why I felt so moved to give you this little soap box about adoption. I truly don't know a lot of what goes into it, the emotional stress, the pain, the joy, the financial strain it places on a family. BUT- I know what I have seen, and what I have seen is beautiful. :)

What to do when it's FREEZING outside?!

2008-12-10T21:28:00.012-06:00

Well, it may ne no surprise to you, but as it was snowing up a storm in College Station, all we had was sleet here in the old SL. Blech. My dad called and was like, "Is it snowing? Someone at my office told me it was snowing?" So I truged outside, and what did I see?? It was sleet. Nasty, disgusting and dirty ice. I was all disgruntled as I came back inside where it was nice and warm. And what to my wandering eyes should I see but a bunch of crazy kids screaming about the "snow". Liars! I wanted to scream. But I didn't. TO nice, I guess.

I went out this morning after watching three hours of CSI. I know, you get started and you just can't stop. I wanted to go raid Half Price... but I was sooo disappointed. They had NOTHING. At all. It was so sad. I left with my spirit a fractured. So I went to Barnes to see if they'd gotten the cast recording of 13, a new musical. But no. It wasn't there. Which was kind of in the back of mind, but I did think I might find it. Darn.

But, I did have some good news. I found the newest book in the Once Upon a Time Series: Belle. Yay! I can't wait to read it. It sounds amazing!

But, I can't read it yet. I am finishing up A Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult. Woo. It is excellent. Then, everything she writes is wonderful! I love love love everything she has written. Go pick this up, it is a book you won't want to put down.

A little update

2008-12-09T10:00:00.001-06:00

Here is my little Christmas update! Yay for Christmas! And yay for making my blog look WAY cuter than before. :)

And a picture of the night...

2008-12-07T23:32:00.001-06:00

Jo (new VP), me (former VP) and Blaire (former President) at Formal. This is only pic taken of me that I think looks nice. I can look at myself and think I look good, but I can't see it in pics. :/

Hope you enjoy! Love you!

Getting Ready!

2008-12-06T16:50:00.002-06:00

Have you seen High School Musical 3?! I LOVE it. Seriously. It makes my heart so happy, and I just love all the music and dancing and loooove, hehe.

Remember that song?? The prom song?! The one that goes:
"Guess now its official
Cant back out, cant back out (no)
Getting ready for the night of nights
The night of nights, alright
Dont Panic (Panic!)"

It's a great song!!!!!

Anyways, that's what I'm doing- getting ready for ASC FORMAL! I've never been to an ASC formal. In fact, this is my 4th formal dance ever. 1st was HS Homecoming, 2nd was HS Prom, 3rd was ASSIST formal freshman year, and now ASC Winter Formal senior year! Yay!

Anywho's I feel super cute today, which is not vain, it's the truth. :)
I'm about to head out for the night, but I just wanted to check into the blog. I will update with pics soon, no worries. I love you all so much!!!!!!!!

Another year older

2008-11-28T15:43:00.005-06:00

"Day turns, today turns, today turns, today turns, today turns, today
You get a little bit older
A little bit taller
A little bit better
A little bit
Day turns, today turns, today turns, today turns, today
And the days before all go too fast
You can't hold on"

This song from a new musical called "13" (go check it out, it's amazing!) really hit me hard today. Today I am 22 years old. Today I have grown up a bit. Today was probably the worst birthday I have ever had.

Tell me, how many birthdays have YOU had? And on how many of those birthdays did you get NO presents from your parents? Yep, my dad did not get me a present for my birthday. He gave me a card, which he signed. Not even an "I'm proud of you" or "I can't believe how fast the time has gone" or any of the other sentimental crap that parents put into letters. Now, my "gift" this year was to go to a musical with my dad. Honestly, that is what i ask for every year because tickets to shows are expensive. BUT I usually get something small, like a book that I've been talking about, or a box of chocolate on the actual day of my birth. SOMETHING to show that he has thought about me. And that is what really breaks my heart. I just feel like he doesn't care about today at all. I know he loves me. I know that, alright? But I just need to be reminded. That is the kind of person I am. I need to take a love languages quiz and find out.

I miss my mom today soooo much. Four other birthdays have gone by and you think that I would be used to this by now. But I'm really not. She made days like this special. She thought of everything. Or maybe I think she thought of everything. Maybe if she was here today would feel just as lame as it does now.

THIS is why I hate being home. Because it makes me feel like complete and total crap. Because I just cry all the time and I am miserable. Because when I am back "home" in College Station, I have a purpose. I have people who love me and I have people to love.

So, here's to you 22nd birthday. May you end as soon as possible.

Hard Day

2008-11-14T22:57:00.004-06:00

For the two people that frequent this blog in hopes of getting a cheerful update, well, expect one of your two requirement fulfilled.

I am having a horrible, very hard day, aside from the fact that I am in Dallas with three of the most precious babies in existence (my niece Cadence and my other niece and nephew Campbell and Colby).

Anyways, my life is not going the way I want it to. I may not get to student teach in the spring (very unlikely, but it may happen), and if I do I am a school which will eat me for breakfast. To top it all off, I am in love, absolute LOVE with my fifth grade class semester. I cry as I type this because I realize how much I will truly, truly miss them and care for them. They are fantastic- even when I have to fuss at them. :) I know that God knows what he is doing, but I can't for the life of me figure this out. I really wish my mom was here. I needed her today. My dad is great, as always, but his "solution" to things is to just accept it and shake it off. My mom would be like, "You're right. This sucks. Let's cry about it."

And if this day just hasn't been the pits, I left my pajama pants at home and have to sleep in jeans. *sob*

WORST. DAY. IN. A. LONGGGGGGGGGG. TIME. :(

Friendship

2008-10-22T19:06:00.002-05:00

"A friend is a person who most of all cares about what you feel/ and nothing is harder than learning a friend isn't real"

It's been a tough semester for me. I have so much in my life to be thankul for, though! I have an amazing bible study that I am in at Grace. I LOVE teaching, and I can't think of any other place that I would rather be than the classroom. I have such a wonderful group of 2 year olds this year that it makes Sundays a JOY. Kristen works with me on Mondays and Saturdays, and God couldn't have blessed me with a more wondeful girl to spend my time with.

If my days should be so full of JOY, then why do I feel so lonely? Is it possible to feel joyful and not happy? I'm not really sure, but I know that I miss my friends from last year who were always so wonderful and so faithful. I have not been near the friend that I should be. It makes me wonder: what is the true defenition of a friend, and what does friendship really look like? I'll let you know.

But if you are reading this- you are important to me! I miss and desire your friendship!! And I love you. SO much!

Left Behind

2008-10-16T21:32:00.002-05:00

I don't want to be Debby Downer... I don't want to post negative things. But sometimes I want to get my feelings out- to get my feelers out there to see if anyone knows what I'm going through.

College is college. It's the same old same old. I don't study when I need to. I do projects and papers last minute. I make friends with all my teachers and enjoy every minute of my classes like the dork I am. And I am ready for it all to be over. I'm ready to be a big girl and have a job. Can you believe that?? I want a job? I love love love going to the school and teaching! I can now tell that I was made to be a teacher- that God has called me to do this. I love making relationships with my students. I love loving on them, and laughing with them and investing myself in their lives. I want to cry just thinking about November 20th- my last day with them. I want to know right now where I'm going to be in August. I need to start praying about it now- I want all of the grace and wisdom the Lord can give me.

In other news, I now feel like Ms. Kelly the proffesional babysitter. :) I love that I get to spend so much time with so many amazing children and families from my church. Last night I babysat from 5 to 11 for this amazing family in my church that works with Campus Crusade. I told their mom that I would start doing little things with them for free. I just LOVE her kids. They are intelligent, and fun, and super sweet. They have some of the most sincere prayers I have ever heard. I was thinking when I was putting them to bad how I hoped I would be able to raise my kids to be like this. (If the Lord even had kids in my future...)

My heart is also hurting for fellowship. Fellowship with girlfriends, with older women, with family. I feel so needy, and that need almost becomes a crutch that I lean on. So I try to solve all my problems and deal with things by myself. I have really found myself in books and music, when I should be finding myself in the Lord and in my relationships with the Godly people in my life.

I am going to leave you with my favorite song from my favorite musical of the moment, Spring Awakening. I have row L, seat 12 for the sunday matinee in January in Houston. You bet I'm excited. :) I love you all so much. And Val, I love you the most! Always.

"The talks you never had, the saturdays you never spent.
All the 'grown-up' places you never went.
And all of the crying you wouldn't understand.
You just let him cry, 'make a man out of him.'"

Long time, no blog

2008-10-05T20:48:00.003-05:00

I'm sure no one reads this, but in the off chance that you do and you have and you are, then thank you. I don't know how many people are really, truly interested in the life I lead and the thoughts I have, but it means a lot to me that you're here.

Well, a month has come and gone, and with it many changes. I am now a senior. This = scary! Im ready to graduate, but not really. I don't know what to feel. All I really know is that God is leading me to stay in College Station. This is where I need to be. I have no idea where my life is going from here, but I am excited.

I've started my methods semester, which means I am in a classroom 2 days a week. I am teaching at Cyprus Grove Elementary and I can honestly tell you that I love it so much. The school is wonderful, the kids are so much fun, my mentor teacher is a WONERFUL teacher and I am just having an overall amazing experience. I'm in a 5th grade English class. I know, perfect for me. This is the age that I LOVE. So yes, I am ready to be a teacher. Expect for the whole passing certification tests thing... ehhh

I've also been reading a LOT. But what else is new?! lol. My kids have really hooked me on some fun books and I really enjoy reading the same books they read. It makes me look at the world in a whole new way. I would recommend Suzanne Collins to anyone who likes kid fantasy books. I just finished her first Young Adult novel "The Hunger Games" and am in the 2nd book of her children's series "The Overland Chronicles".

I miss my old roommates. I was so comfortable with both of them. I could talk to them about anything. Now I'm not so sure...

I miss my mom. I've been dreaming about her a lot lately. I feel like I need her guidance more and more.

I'm still in ASC. I'm still VP. I feel completely drained. I feel inadequate. I feel like someone else could be doing my job better than me. But I also feel like this is where I need to be. I wish I could explain it better. My job is encouragement, but someone needs to encourage me. Anyways... yeah. I don't know where I was going.

I'm at Sweet Eugene's right now. I was going to do the little bit of homework I had left. I can't concentrate. I don't want to. I need a shower. I need a hug. I don't need a boyfriend... but I want one.

I will leave you for a bit. But blogging makes me feel better so I'm coming back.
Ok, that's all.

Love love love.

Pure

2008-08-27T03:09:00.000-05:00

Your love is pure
Your love is precious
Your love is all i need
Your love surrounds me
Your love astounds me
Your love is everything.

I run to you
My heart is weak
I cling to you
Your all i see
It's my hearts desire
To be close to you
Here in your arms
I'll find my strength.

Your love is pure
Your love is precious
Your love is all i need
Your love surrounds me
Your love astounds me
Your love is everything.

I run to you
My heart is weak
I cling to you
Your all i see
It's my hearts desire
To be close to you
Here in your arms
I'll find my strength

Regression

2008-08-22T23:17:00.003-05:00

I have regressed

I am ashamed

I have pulled and pulled my hair out these past few weeks... all the hard work I have done to grow it back, and I have pulled all of it out. I now have a bald patch on my head the size of a half dollar (at least that's what it looks like to me)

And the thing is... I don't know why

Why?! I have no good reason. I am not in mourning for my dead mother. I am not overly stressed. For God's sake, school hasn't even started yet. Yet I find myself needing to pull... craving the pain

I need help. I need you God. I need to know the reasons I keep massacring myself. I need a good reason. I need to stop. I need to cry.

HELP

I don't want to hurt myself anymore... but I can't stop. Help me...

All That's Known

2008-08-14T10:52:00.004-05:00

http://www.broadway.com/gen/Buzz_Video.aspx?ci=569822

This is a video of the newest cast member of the most AMAZING show on Broadway right now called Spring Awakening. It's a very grown-up show, so unless you understand theatre and can appreciate the art, I don't know if you would really like it. The tour is coming to Houston in January, and I am buying myself a ticket when tickets come out, which I think is sometime in September. I do not want to go alone, but I can't find anyone to go with me, so this will be the first show I see solo. And I know I am going to LOVE every minute of it.

If you like this clip, and you want to hear more, just YouTube the show and LOTS of things will pop up. Lots of GOOD things. Or, I can make you a copy of the soundtrack. Or, you could say, 'Hey Kelly, I think I want to see it with you, and I am willing to pay for my own ticket because I know that you are not in your job for the money and that money is scarce for you right now and this is the only show that you have ever bought yourself a ticket for so you are going to buy one of the best seats so if I want to go with you I will have pay top dollar to see something that is this amazing and I won't be disappointed because you have excellent taste".

So yes. Please. Become obsessed with all things Spring Awakening. And I warned you hear first- it's a mature show. But I love it anyways. :)

Old Memories Revisited

2008-08-12T16:09:00.006-05:00

Do you know what i love?? YouTube. It is such a fantastic site, and I have relived some extremly happy memories!! :)

Here is one for your viewing pleasure. Please tell me you remember this one, and that you loved it as much as I did!! If you enjoy it, follow it up with the rest of the episodes!! I will be ordering it on DVD soon, that's how much I love it. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U56JVk_I0w&feature=related

:)

Holy Cow

2008-08-11T12:39:00.002-05:00

I know... I don't want to talk about it... unreal.

Over the River and Through the Woods

2008-08-09T17:41:00.002-05:00

I have meant to update this blog with some great bits of home trivia. But a lot has happened recently, and so I have been a little bitty bit preoccupied.

Right now I am in Lake Jackson (about an hour from Sugar Land) visiting with my grandparents. I'm only staying til tomorrow afternoon, but it has just occured to me that they may not know that. :/ So, after dinner I will drop the bomb... they hate it when I leave. I know it's because I'm the only link they have left of my mom. They miss her more than I do, I think. Sometimes. I miss her a lot, though.

Anyways, at least they feed me good. Grandma hasn't made any cracks about my weight yet, though I may be speaking too soon. She loves to tell me how "pudgy" I've gotten. I'll admit, I'm not a size 4 anymore, but then again, most people told me I looked too skinny to begin with. I have tried to lose some weight, to get back to my former glory days of high school. But, that hasn't gone so well.

An update to the last post- I did fine on my final exam. Surprisingly. It scared me because I really saw the finality of a final exam. There was no more room for error. You either made it or you didn't. I needed a 60 to make a 69.7 in the class, which I was assured by many people would be curved to a C. And guess what? I made EXACTLY a 60. Pretty scary. My dad isn't sure it's going to be enough. I just role my eyes at him. He can be so pessimistic sometimes. My grandpa says that it's not the grade that matters, just that you pass the class. In this case, he is exactly right. But, final grades will be posted sometime next week, so unitl then I have to sit here with my stomach full of knots, waiting for my results.

And as long as we are updating- remember my post on singleness? Well, if you couldn't tell, since I posted it, it had been on mind a lot. So Tuesday night I completely lost it. I cried more than I have ever cried before. Over a BOY. A boy that I haven't even met yet. A boy that I don't even know for sure exists!! It was a scary thing for me. But I do have such wonderful friends! Hannah, for letting me explode all over the phone. I love you Hannah-bell! And Jamie and Emily, who sat with me for over an hour pulling out scriptures and hugging me and reassuring me. We even stopped studying stat- not that that was difficult. I am now no longer an emotional wreak, but then again I haven't really talked seriously about it to anyone yet, so I don't know how I'm really feeling.

I feel like I always think about my old friends whenever I come back to Sugar Land. I wonder how they are doing and what their lives are like. I wonder if they've changed at all. I wonder if they ever think about me, when I feel like I think about them all the time. (By the way, I just typed that sentence withOUT looking at the keys!! YAY!) I miss high school sometimes. I get nostalgic for it. It was so easy. And stress free. It was one of the best times of my life, looking back on it now.

So, with that, I bid you farewell from Lake Jackson, the land of enchantment (their saying, not mine). I will be back, as a LOT is happening this coming week. Trips to the zoo, packing for school, visiting Ryan and the gang in Dallas (yay twins!). Sooooo. Yeah. Exciting.

I love you oh faithful blog reader, who rejoices with me in triumphs and cries with me in my sorrows. You know who you are. And I love you. A lot. :)

I have a test in 1 hour and 40 minutes

2008-08-06T13:17:00.002-05:00

I want to throw up all over myself...

That would make me feel better.

I am horrible at statistics.

I am horrible at studying.

I feel like my life is depending on today (even though it's not)

I am emotional. I have crying about everything for the past 2 days...

I will write more when I'm not such a nut job

Being single

2008-08-04T17:30:00.003-05:00

I feel like this is a long time coming sort of entry, but I wanted to kind of express the things that have been going through my mind these past few days. As you know based on my last post, I got a new book that I have just devoured in the past few days. I can not describe it to you, as it entirely too complex and my hope is that you will want to read it for yourself, but I will say that this last book got me thinking about relationships a lot. About what it means to be in a relationship, about what love is and about what it means to be in love. I know that this is ridiculous, that this book of fiction, that had no semblance towards the life that we lead what so ever could make me feel this way.
But I was sitting in church on Sunday and it just kind of hit me all of a sudden. It's like, I'm supposed to want all of this. It's a natural feeling. It's normal to feel fluttery when reading about love, about the way a boy wraps his arms a girl, about a kiss and so on... you get what I'm talking about. I realized that it's ok to want these things. But I can not will them to happen. I can't force love into my life. That's not how it works. In books, for example, the girl never goes looking for love... it simply finds her. It's creeps into her life, unsuspecting, and knocks her off her feet. Just like that.

But my life isn't a book, and I do realize that. I know that God has picked out a plan for my life- he has given me the option of different paths to choose, and I have made this choice.

So I sat in church and I prayed, "God, I have finally come to terms that you don't want me to have a boy in my life. That that is not where I am meant to be at the moment. But, I also know that some people may never be destined to marry. And I'm scared about saying this, and I don't think I'm going to take it back, but if being single for the rest of my life is where you want me, then I will be content in that."
Ok, so at this point I start to get a little choked up, like I want to cry. Because as I have said before, I desire a relationship with a boy so much that it puts an ache in my heart. But I have to be prepared for anything. And right now, this looks like where my life is going. I have to be content to be single for as long as it takes, even if that means forever.

So if you are reading this and decide to pray for me, Pray that I will find happiness and peace in the life that I am living right now. That I will focus on today rather than tomorrow, and set my sights on eternity.

Ok, so this post may not make any sense to you, and I'm not sure if it makes sense to me, but it is what is on my heart and I just needed to share that.

- Kel

The Day Has Come!

2008-08-02T00:18:00.000-05:00

I just got back from the Midnight Party at Barnes and Noble. I wish that I had a camera with me to document the whole ordeal. It was HILarious! I didn't think I would have such a good time.

Actulally, at first, I was wondering, "What the heck am I doing here??" Then, I started walking around and I ran into none other the AMAZING Jenna Mercer!!! Ahhh!! It was so great to sit and catch up with each other. Unfortunantly, she was not here for the book party, just taking advantage of Barnes being open late. But she is incredible, and I love her and she is such a precious friend!!!!!

So I go to sit down, and I meet three of the sweetest, cutest girls, who were most likely in highschool. The cutest was Haley. She was a doll. We saw some crazy people. Girls in prom dresses. Groups of girls and boys who were totally Goth. People with little bitty babies. (Crazies) And of course we saw some people in crazy get ups- lots of funny t-shirts like, "I'm only here for my girlfriend". All in all it was an enjoyable experience.

My "first" post

2008-07-31T23:03:00.000-05:00

You may be wondering why I have titled this the "first" post of this blog. I had started this a while back, but all of my other posts were so negative. Nobody wants to read anything negative. Besides, I wasn't being very nice in the previous posts either, and the things that I wrote would have hurt people's feelings. A blog isn't about that. It's about sharing a part of my life with people who aren't around me enough for me to talk to them about it.

So, summer is coming to an end. I have been all sorts of places and done all sorts of things.

In May, after Junior year ended (eee!!!!), I got the opprotunity to study abroad in Switzerland for three weeks (three very long weeks). I cried a lot. I had a tough time. If I talked to you about it at all, you probably thought that I hated it. Not true. It pushed me to my limits, that's for sure. But I loved it. Next time I go so far from home, though, I would prefer to go with close friends or family, people I am comfortable venting to. People who have no problem giving out hugs. If you know anything about me at all, I think it would be that I am a person who needs an outward expression of affection. At camp one summer a counselor referred to me as "Huggy girl". That's just who I am. So going three weeks without a hug was quite a challenge.

This is the view from our room!

But I learned so much about myself! I learned that I could get lost in a city that I had never been to before and still find my way back (Oxford, thanks so much). I learned that I will NOT be teaching little bitty kids. I learned that I can climb two thousand feet up a mountain and not die. True story. But most importantly, I learned that I need no one else but the Lord. I wish that I could paint you a picture of how faithful the Lord is to us. I am the best example of that because I truly fail at meeting with him daily, sometimes even weekly. He never fails me, and I think that that was one of the most amazing parts of this trip. He was with me every step of the way. One afternoon, I sat on my porch, facing this amazing snow covered mountain, and I read through Romans 8. It was beautiful and amazing and such an encouraging moment for me!!

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This verse seemed so fitting for my time in Switzerland. God knew the reason that I was there, even if it was different from everybody else's reasons!! He has a plan for my life, and being there made me realize how amazing it is going to be!

So I get home from Switzerland, and my summer continues. June flys be in a flash, and before you know it, Warren and Danee are married (plus Ashley and Jeff, who's wedding I couldn't be there for, but every part of me so wished that I was there!) and then two weeks later, my best friend Valerie marries her now amazing husband Jon!! Weddings are my absolute favorite things in the whole entire world, and I was SO privledged to get to go to two of them!!

Warren and Danee!!

Ashley and Jeff!!

Valerie and Jon!!!

And before you know it, June ends and July begins, and you know what that means: Summer school! Yes, yours truly attended summer school for the first summer at Texas A&M. And in 6 days, it will all be over! I am soooo glad, as this summer school buisness is just wearing me down. I am taking Pilates (which is harder than you think) and Statistics (which is just as hard, if not harder, than you think). I had my final test today in Pilates (it went amazing!) and my final for Stat is on Wednesday. Stat is less than stellar for me, as this is not my cup of tea, but I need to make a 60 on the final to pull a C in the class, which is all I need. So, yes, I am sooo excited for this class to be over. And when it is, I will officially be a senior. And boy is that a scary thought! :)

Oh, and guess what happend to me while I've been here? The house I am staying in got robbed! That's right, someone broke into our house between 1:30 and 3:30 and took the television, my roommates lap top... and my lap top. :( BUT- I got to call 911, and that was cool. And, I got a new laptop. It's red. And brand new. And now I am super protective of it.

Movies I have seen this summer:

Prince Caspian: LOVED it. OMG, I can not wait for the DVD, it was phenomenal!!

Wall-E: I think this has to be my FAV Disney/Pixar so far! I've seen it twice. So good.

Mamma Mia: Yep. Seen it twice. :) I love a good musical.

Batman: Of course. It's THE summer movie. It was good. It was loooong, and I think I'd need to see it again to really get it all. But I did like it.

On a final thought before I attempt to fall asleep to episodes of the Office, I am very pleased to announce that the world of books is blossoming as of lately! The final book in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, by Stephenie Meyer (If you have not read them, go NOW and run, yes run, to your nearest bookshop and buy them all, because once you read the first one you won't want to put it down) and I am attend the Midnight book selling at the College Station Barnes and Noble. :) Yes, this is the first time I have ever done this, and I am so excited! I also read Stephenie's newest novel, The Host, while I was in school, and it has to be one of my all time favorite books!! I adored it! She is such a great writer.

And, if you love Harry Potter, than the world has gotten a little sweeter for you as 3 amazing things are happening this year. 1) The 10th Anniversary edition of the Sorcerer's Stone will be out in September. I am UBER excited. 2) The 6th movie, The Half Blood Prince, just released their trailer for the new film and will premier in November (the best month of the year, hint hint) and 3) I can not believe it, but Scholastic and JK Rowling have paired up to publish The Tales of Beetle the Bard (as mentioned in The Deathly Hallows). It comes out in December. I could almost wet my pants I am so excited!! (Except I'm not wearing any pants right now because it is crazy hot in Texas!!)