This is how I feel

I'm a little like Charlie Brown today... "Good Grief!"

Midnight Musings

Ok, being at home suuuuuuucks. I need College Station, where I feel comfortable and in my element. I need my friends who can always pull me out of my slump. I need the accountability that is provided to me through ASC, and my amazing WIL Group and Grace on a weekly if not daily basis. I have fallen into bad habits, which had started back in CS and which need to end immediantly, and bad thoughts, which seem to plauge me more and more as I venture home.

Today, I was facebook "chat attacked" by a girl I went to high school with- we will call her B. B and I were friends to a degree, but I was a certain person when I was with her that I am ashamed to admit to being. Thinking about it sends me on a guilt trip down the river of denial, which is how I always feel, but never mind that.
Anyways, B asked me about school and I told her about graduation coming up in May and getting to student teach. She asked me if I was going to teach when I got out of school, and I was like... umm, duh, of course. Aren't you? I asked, because she wants to be a teacher as well. And her response to me? Oh, not right away, I want to have a baby first. Now, granted, she JUST got married- maybe a month ago- though I guess if B reads my blog she can correct me if I am wrong. But I was slightly taken aback. A baby?! A real one? Like, one you have to keep and raise and have call you Mom? One that spits up and poops, and then eventually learns to talk and yells things like NO and GO AWAY and then eventually ignores you and belittles you because all kids think they are cooler than their parents and then eventually leaves, while along the way making good and bad descisions, partly based on what you, as the parent, were expected to teach them? THAT kind of kid?
Whew- I am so not ready for that responsibility. (Though if you know me- you know my desire to be a parent ONE day- not now though). Now, no offense at all meant to B. Everyone has a calling in life. She may be a great mom right now. I just know that isn't something that I can handle at this point in my life.

And then she asks me the few questions that I have been dreading anyone from my past ask me.
1) Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: Nope
Should have been my answer: Can you not see my status on facebook? Does the big flashing SINGLE sign not clue you in? And if I WAS in a relationship, wouldn't he be writing cute little love notes on my fbook wall and have a whole album dedicated to him??? (Which, I actually have no idea if that would actually happen- but it's something I wouldn't put past myself.)

2) Have you ever had a boyfriend?
Answer: lol. nope.
Should have been my answer: *sob* Does that answer your question?

3) Why?
Answer: I guess my standards are too high?! Not really sure. It's just not my time yet. He's there somewhere.
Sould have been my answer: .... are you kidding me? You don't say one word to me for maybe four years- including when my mom died- and now you expect me to divulge my innermost thoughts to you? HA!

4) So... did you ever get your first kiss before you graduated?
Answer: No. I don't want to force it. I want it to be with the right person for all the right reasons because I want it to actually mean something- not just because it's to complete a goal.
Should have been my answer: Exactly that. :)

I HATE thinking about the future- but that's what happens to me when I am at home. I wonder if I will ever find this boy- who will love and cherish me and see all the good in me that I still don't see in myself. Who will look at me with the love I have always desired and been afraid of. Who will seek the Lord's guidance in persuing me. Who will propose to me and kiss me like I have always dreamed about. Gaggggggg.... I'm grossing myself out.

Now- I know what you are thinking. Kelly- you are 22! Don't rush it!
I know- ok. I was there when I was born. I know how long I've been alive. But my greatest fear in the whole world is that I will die before I ever get the chance to know what true love looks like. We loose our desires in heaven because our only desire is to be in the presence of the Lord. And as wonderful as that is (and I say this with sincerity), I just wish I could experience all the earthly desires of my heart... selfish selfish girl. I know.

Ok, so I now think that facebook chat is now a tool of the devil. I can not believe these thoughts are in my head and verbalizing themselves into meaningless words on a computer screen.

If you are reading this- I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here. I need all your hugs and love and for you to fuss at me and to tell me to snap out of it. I can't wait to see you all soon!!!!

My heart is hurting

I found out today that a little girl in the Cypress Fairbanks area of Houston was hit by a drunk driver on Tuesday. She died yesterday around 7pm. Look at this face. She was 13 years old. She liked to draw and she liked art. She loved life. Christmas is in 7 days. And the man that killed her doesn't even care.

I have never hurt so much for someone I have never known before. I truly hope that God is taking care of Nicole. And I hope that this man, whoever he is, sees how senseless his actions are. I will never, ever want to pass a school bus, or to speed through a school zone. How, how sad.

Broadway Blog Tuesday!

Ok, so to go along with my obsession with all things Broadway, I am devoting my blog to Broadway on Tuesdays! Oh yay! I'll pick a new song, or musical, or performer to highlight. It's going to be way fun!

And the first musical of our series is currently my new favorite entitled: 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Synopsis: Evan Goldman has it all: He's popular, has the “perfect” family and lives in the world’s greatest city — New York. When his parents get divorced, he's forced to move with his Mom…to Indiana. Uprooted from his old life, he must maneuver his way through the minefield of high school to become part of the in crowd. 13 is a high-energy musical about growing up, dealing with change and learning that becoming who you want to be starts with discovering who you are.

I LOVE 13! It's fantabulous! What is awesome about it is that it is the ONLY show EVER to have an entire teenage cast and teenage band- no adults at ALL! Wow! What an accomplishment! And so fantastic!

Here are some of my favorite songs (but I secretly love them all!):

It Can't Be True: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgXgnh_HTnQ

- "Holy macaroni!" this song is always stuck in my head

Bad, Bad News: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4nPHo2mIi8&feature=related

- "he fell for a slut with a fabulous butt"; yes, i love this song!

What It Means to Be a Friend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRKHzZyISqc

- this is Allie, who plays Patrice, performing the song live! She is GREAT, isn't she?!

Now, no lie, you can listen to the whole CD on YouTube. I do it all the time, and I LOVE it! It's so much fun!

Sadly, this show is closing on Broadway on January 4th. :( The economy SUCKS right now. BUT- it may get a national tour, and if it does, expect me to Blog about getting to go see it! Yay!

Adoption IS the option!

No no... I am not pregnant. (how would THAT have happened?!) But I have been thinking about this for a while...

To adopt or not to adopt? I know, I can't believe I am already thinking about this, but I have the strongest pull in my heart to adopt. I may be single, 22 and in no way ready to be a mom, but I feel in my heart that adoption is for me. I have been so moved by adoption stories of other families out there. I want to share with you two of the stories that have affected me as of late.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tK4AsmTiPes

I wish there was a way I could post the video onto this blog for you to see. But go to YouTube and check it out. You won't be disappointed that you did. Have you ever seen a more beautiful smile?!

http://blessingsfromethiopia.blogspot.com/

I have been so blessed from reading about this family. What amazing things they are doing through adoption!! I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen it.

I have a little boy in my Sunday school class named Chance. He is probably one of the cutest little boys I have ever seen in my entire life. He is my buddy. You should just see the smile on his face when he sees me on Sunday mornings. My heart breaks that I won't be there for a few weeks! I need to get a pic of this little boy for you. But the reason I am mentioning Chance is that he is adopted. You can't tell. His mommy and daddy are HIS mommy and daddy and he will talk your ear about them. He loves them. He has so much love to give. Now imagine a child in an orphanage, anywhere really, who has all this love to give but has no one to give it to. It breaks my heart to think about all the children I want to wrap my arms around and bring home with me. I truly hope that if God has chosen for me to have a husband that his heart is in the same place that mine seems to have been in the past few months.

Are you called to adopt? Have you ever thought about it before? It is not an easy task and it is not a cheap one. Check out that blog link up there if you don't believe me. But what a beautiful picture it paints for us of God's love. We were orphans, and God pulled us out and called us His own. He loves us like NO ONE can ever love us. To give a child even a tenth of that love would be such an honor, and to introduce them to life filled with Jesus would be the best gift you could give them.

I'm not sure why I felt so moved to give you this little soap box about adoption. I truly don't know a lot of what goes into it, the emotional stress, the pain, the joy, the financial strain it places on a family. BUT- I know what I have seen, and what I have seen is beautiful. :)

What to do when it's FREEZING outside?!

Well, it may ne no surprise to you, but as it was snowing up a storm in College Station, all we had was sleet here in the old SL. Blech. My dad called and was like, "Is it snowing? Someone at my office told me it was snowing?" So I truged outside, and what did I see?? It was sleet. Nasty, disgusting and dirty ice. I was all disgruntled as I came back inside where it was nice and warm. And what to my wandering eyes should I see but a bunch of crazy kids screaming about the "snow". Liars! I wanted to scream. But I didn't. TO nice, I guess.

I went out this morning after watching three hours of CSI. I know, you get started and you just can't stop. I wanted to go raid Half Price... but I was sooo disappointed. They had NOTHING. At all. It was so sad. I left with my spirit a fractured. So I went to Barnes to see if they'd gotten the cast recording of 13, a new musical. But no. It wasn't there. Which was kind of in the back of mind, but I did think I might find it. Darn.


But, I did have some good news. I found the newest book in the Once Upon a Time Series: Belle. Yay! I can't wait to read it. It sounds amazing!



But, I can't read it yet. I am finishing up A Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult. Woo. It is excellent. Then, everything she writes is wonderful! I love love love everything she has written. Go pick this up, it is a book you won't want to put down.

A little update

Here is my little Christmas update! Yay for Christmas! And yay for making my blog look WAY cuter than before. :)