New obsession

This is Sam Tsui- all of them are. He is a genius... I just love this!

Almost as much as I love the actual version from Glee. Both are genius!

A for real update

Music playing: JJ Heller's CD 'Painted Red'. I am obsessed. I will send you a copy if you want- some of you are already getting one- I'm just a slacker.

Picture: What a typical grading day looks like- pink pen (cause I have to grade in pink) and peanut butter M&M's

Ok

I have many "drafts" saved from me trying to start this entry.

I am trying to be honest with you all in the hopes that someone will understand. So, to start out honestly- I do not enjoy my job. There are days when I am happy. But overall, I am not happy. If I am being rational, I think this job came at a bad time for several reasons. 1) I have never been able to handle change well. Example 1: My mom dies and I kind of go berserk. (Ok, bad example, because anyone would, but especially me) Example 2: I start college and I have a hard time making friends. I try too hard and end up losing out on some great relationships (friends, not boys, come on people) Reason 2: I am a new teacher and as I have been told, relentlessly, "the first year is the worst"

If I am not being rational, I do not like living all by myself in a place I am unfamiliar with. I truly do not like middle schoolers- I mean, there are some sweet ones, but when you ask me if I like my kids, those babies get pushed aside for the ones that I do not like. I am the youngest professional on my campus, so I am treated as such and even the kids know how young I am. No one really respects me. Kids could care less about what I say, teachers only listen to me out of politeness.

I can not begin to describe how disheartening it is to realize that you went to college for 4 years- your parents paid for your college education for four years- and the career you chose is one that just doesn't fit with you. What else is out there for me? I have no fall back. None. I can not go through another 4 years of college- emotionally or financially- and even if I could, I have no idea what career I would go for this go 'round.

So for the rest of this year, I am stuck in a job that I groan about when I wake up in the morning. A job that I pray someone else will come in and fill for me.

Well, to quit my Debby Downer-ness, I have to make the best of a very bad situation. So what have I been doing, you ask?

Music change: I am kind of obsessed with R Kelly's Ignition (remix). I have this one version from this dude on YouTube on like permanent play... whoo... he's hot.

1) I am trying to find me a church. The Lord blessed my life 10x over Grace in CS. Seriously, I knew I would miss it, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. I miss all of my families that I was so close with. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the amazing worship/message every Sunday. I miss all my sweet 3 year olds and crazy AWANA clubbers.

So, how do you move away from that and find a church that fills you up so completly?

Answer: You try.

It's not easy. I have yet to find a place where I am really, truly accepted and comfortable. But I am not giving up... I'm just waiting for God to guide me where he needs me to be.

2) I try to help out as much as I can at school. If I am busy, I don't realize how miserable I am. The most recent help I have been doing was this past weekend: I helped out with the school play. They needed some teachers to make cameo's and walk across stage and say a few lines. Here is a pic of me in costume:

Yes. Charming, huh? We had to dress 70's. Of course, I went all out... and the kids... well, not so much. But they tried. :)

Here is a pic of one of my kids and some others in the show:

The one in the black shirt is in my 1st period. I have no idea the names of any of the other kids. But they're cute, no? For now... but they are sneaky, I tell you. Except my little boy- he's a sweetheart. Seriously. I love him.

Another little boy that I teach was in the show as well. But he's not in this picture. I will not show you him... but he's a stinker. And wears tighter jeans than I do.

3) I buy myself things. Don't laugh. But I have been getting tickets to see plays, musicals, ballets. Anything to keep myself motivated for the weekend. I saw Meet Me in St Louis the other weekend. Daddy is taking me to Mary Poppins in two weeks. Yay!! :) I also read more books than humanly possible. I lose myself in somebody else's life. (On a side note, I would go to movie's except the movie theatre is in the mall and I do not want to run into one of my kids, especially is I am going to a movie alone. Reason #12365 that it would be nice to have a boyfriend right now)

Ok, well, I made a goal that I do not think I am going to meet, so I am going to bed.

I love you sweet friends. Please continue to pray for me. I appreciate everything!

Your Hands

Val- check your mail this week. I'm sending you a gift! :)

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands

Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

OWLS

Did you know that I love owls?

I do.

Ever since I took this picture:

at Zoo Camp this summer I have been in loooove with them!! (and no, he is not winking. We actually rescued him and he only has one eye. But isn't he gorgeous?!)

This summer we even saved a baby one. My kids found it on the ground. Oh my goodness- it was so small and cute and was making these sweet noises. And I swear, it's eyes were as big as it's head. Gosh it was precious.

So yeah, I have a thing for Owls. :)

And now I have discovered Etsy.com It's getting dangerous people. This website is like the mecca of all things homemade. Type in any key word- like Owl- and you get all kinds of goodies. They have hair clips and dolls and shirts and toys and jewlery and well, just about anything.

Why do I love them? Well, you know, they're kind of shy and yet they are so smart. When they look at you, it's like they're trying to figure something out. It's wonderful.

And just because I think it's adorable, look how cute this is:

I know, it's a toucan, not an owl. I wish I knew a little girl who would love it, but my little girls are too practical. But it sure is precious!

Ok, this was random and pointless but I needed something to cheer me up because my students are sucking the life out of me! :/

LOVE to you who read the pointlessness!

Vent

I've decided that the blog is the only place that I can vent. I've been sitting here, at 9:50 in the evening, racking my brains on who I should call while I hysterically cry. I feel so lonely and alone here in Humble. I miss my close knit community of College Station. I miss the best roommate I've ever had- the one who would let me sit on her floor and just spill all my frustrations. I miss having a church full of people praying for me and pulling for me and loving on me on a daily basis. It was such a beautiful thing that has gone away so quickly.

I almost didn't notice it this summer. This summer I was full of distraction. I had a fabulous job that I loved. I was living at home. It felt like I would just pack up and go back to college in a few months. But all of sudden things started to change. In a few days, I signed a contract, got an apartment, started setting up insurance, got a new credit card, changed the address on my drivers licence. There is no turning back when you get something as permanent as a new address.

And then came the job. All in a rush, I had a million things to do. I am teaching 5 classes of 8th graders- roughly about 140 kids. I have to plan lessons- and teach those same lessons. I have to command 30 kids attention for 55 minutes. I have yet to do it once successfully. I feel like such a failure at the end of the day. What are my kids really learning? Why did I choose a job that makes me so unhappy? I thought I would love teaching. I did. There are moments when I still do. But I am too nice to do what I do. They keep telling me to "toughen up. Lay down the law. You need to get tougher." And I look at them and honestly say- "I AM being tough." This is as tough as it gets. And then, when that toughness is worn down, I yell. Or I snap. And suddenly I am not the same person. I am completely different. I hate who I become. I hurt their feelings. I embarress myself. So many times throughout the day I want to put my head down and just cry. I am miserable. I do not want to do this anymore.

So here I sit. In a new apartment. Getting ready to go to sleep so that I can face another day. About to have a panic attack because I can think of nothing to do with them on Friday. Ready to hide in my room and never come out.

I want to be happy again. I need a hug so badly. I need someone to tell me that they love me. I need a new job. I need to stop crying so that I can get some sleep.

I miss this little boy:

I miss this girl:

I miss this place:

I want God to tell me why I am here. And not there. And not with them.

Why is it so hard for me to accept that this is my life?

I want to be a different person and somewhere else.

I am so tired... so tired.

The Naked Classroom

I am sitting in my newly aquired classroom staring at the blank walls. There is nothing sadder than stark white walls and nothing else. It's sad- pathetically sad- that I have nothing to hang on them.

I have no classroom rules. I have no procedures. I have no posters. I have no pictures. I have no student work (I guess because I have no students). I sigh from the boredom of it all.

I am scared. No, more than scared, I am petrified. What are my kids going to think when they walk into my classroom and see that it is empty? What will I do when 25 pairs of eyes turn to stare at me and look to me for guidance and direction? What's going to happen when I get to a point in my lesson where I am just stuck? I have no answer to a students question. No one to look to to pull out a sheet and go, here ya go... just read it off of here!

... what were they thinking sending me into a classroom at 22 years old? I am only 9 years older than most of my kids... I was 9 years old when they were born. Did God look at me, a pathetic nine year old with badly cut hair and messed up teeth and an attention seeking disposition and go, "Ah... Kelly. I think there are some children that are going to be born this year that I think you should teach when you get older. I think this suits you so well."
Umm... really God?? Because I don't feel well suited. I feel terrified! I'm not ready for this! I'm not ready to be a teacher or to grow up. Maybe I should go for a masters degree or a second major. Any excuse for me to stay in college.

I feel as naked as my classroom. I am vulnerable to everything. I'm waiting for someone to bring me that first day of school outfit. To say ok, here are points A B and C... now make sure you have those covered and you will be fine.

... ok, whatever you say.