OWLS

Did you know that I love owls?

I do.

Ever since I took this picture:

at Zoo Camp this summer I have been in loooove with them!! (and no, he is not winking. We actually rescued him and he only has one eye. But isn't he gorgeous?!)

This summer we even saved a baby one. My kids found it on the ground. Oh my goodness- it was so small and cute and was making these sweet noises. And I swear, it's eyes were as big as it's head. Gosh it was precious.

So yeah, I have a thing for Owls. :)

And now I have discovered Etsy.com It's getting dangerous people. This website is like the mecca of all things homemade. Type in any key word- like Owl- and you get all kinds of goodies. They have hair clips and dolls and shirts and toys and jewlery and well, just about anything.

Why do I love them? Well, you know, they're kind of shy and yet they are so smart. When they look at you, it's like they're trying to figure something out. It's wonderful.

And just because I think it's adorable, look how cute this is:

I know, it's a toucan, not an owl. I wish I knew a little girl who would love it, but my little girls are too practical. But it sure is precious!

Ok, this was random and pointless but I needed something to cheer me up because my students are sucking the life out of me! :/

LOVE to you who read the pointlessness!

Vent

I've decided that the blog is the only place that I can vent. I've been sitting here, at 9:50 in the evening, racking my brains on who I should call while I hysterically cry. I feel so lonely and alone here in Humble. I miss my close knit community of College Station. I miss the best roommate I've ever had- the one who would let me sit on her floor and just spill all my frustrations. I miss having a church full of people praying for me and pulling for me and loving on me on a daily basis. It was such a beautiful thing that has gone away so quickly.

I almost didn't notice it this summer. This summer I was full of distraction. I had a fabulous job that I loved. I was living at home. It felt like I would just pack up and go back to college in a few months. But all of sudden things started to change. In a few days, I signed a contract, got an apartment, started setting up insurance, got a new credit card, changed the address on my drivers licence. There is no turning back when you get something as permanent as a new address.

And then came the job. All in a rush, I had a million things to do. I am teaching 5 classes of 8th graders- roughly about 140 kids. I have to plan lessons- and teach those same lessons. I have to command 30 kids attention for 55 minutes. I have yet to do it once successfully. I feel like such a failure at the end of the day. What are my kids really learning? Why did I choose a job that makes me so unhappy? I thought I would love teaching. I did. There are moments when I still do. But I am too nice to do what I do. They keep telling me to "toughen up. Lay down the law. You need to get tougher." And I look at them and honestly say- "I AM being tough." This is as tough as it gets. And then, when that toughness is worn down, I yell. Or I snap. And suddenly I am not the same person. I am completely different. I hate who I become. I hurt their feelings. I embarress myself. So many times throughout the day I want to put my head down and just cry. I am miserable. I do not want to do this anymore.

So here I sit. In a new apartment. Getting ready to go to sleep so that I can face another day. About to have a panic attack because I can think of nothing to do with them on Friday. Ready to hide in my room and never come out.

I want to be happy again. I need a hug so badly. I need someone to tell me that they love me. I need a new job. I need to stop crying so that I can get some sleep.

I miss this little boy:

I miss this girl:

I miss this place:

I want God to tell me why I am here. And not there. And not with them.

Why is it so hard for me to accept that this is my life?

I want to be a different person and somewhere else.

I am so tired... so tired.