New obsession

This is Sam Tsui- all of them are. He is a genius... I just love this!

Almost as much as I love the actual version from Glee. Both are genius!

A for real update

Music playing: JJ Heller's CD 'Painted Red'. I am obsessed. I will send you a copy if you want- some of you are already getting one- I'm just a slacker.

Picture: What a typical grading day looks like- pink pen (cause I have to grade in pink) and peanut butter M&M's

Ok

I have many "drafts" saved from me trying to start this entry.

I am trying to be honest with you all in the hopes that someone will understand. So, to start out honestly- I do not enjoy my job. There are days when I am happy. But overall, I am not happy. If I am being rational, I think this job came at a bad time for several reasons. 1) I have never been able to handle change well. Example 1: My mom dies and I kind of go berserk. (Ok, bad example, because anyone would, but especially me) Example 2: I start college and I have a hard time making friends. I try too hard and end up losing out on some great relationships (friends, not boys, come on people) Reason 2: I am a new teacher and as I have been told, relentlessly, "the first year is the worst"

If I am not being rational, I do not like living all by myself in a place I am unfamiliar with. I truly do not like middle schoolers- I mean, there are some sweet ones, but when you ask me if I like my kids, those babies get pushed aside for the ones that I do not like. I am the youngest professional on my campus, so I am treated as such and even the kids know how young I am. No one really respects me. Kids could care less about what I say, teachers only listen to me out of politeness.

I can not begin to describe how disheartening it is to realize that you went to college for 4 years- your parents paid for your college education for four years- and the career you chose is one that just doesn't fit with you. What else is out there for me? I have no fall back. None. I can not go through another 4 years of college- emotionally or financially- and even if I could, I have no idea what career I would go for this go 'round.

So for the rest of this year, I am stuck in a job that I groan about when I wake up in the morning. A job that I pray someone else will come in and fill for me.

Well, to quit my Debby Downer-ness, I have to make the best of a very bad situation. So what have I been doing, you ask?

Music change: I am kind of obsessed with R Kelly's Ignition (remix). I have this one version from this dude on YouTube on like permanent play... whoo... he's hot.

1) I am trying to find me a church. The Lord blessed my life 10x over Grace in CS. Seriously, I knew I would miss it, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. I miss all of my families that I was so close with. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the amazing worship/message every Sunday. I miss all my sweet 3 year olds and crazy AWANA clubbers.

So, how do you move away from that and find a church that fills you up so completly?

Answer: You try.

It's not easy. I have yet to find a place where I am really, truly accepted and comfortable. But I am not giving up... I'm just waiting for God to guide me where he needs me to be.

2) I try to help out as much as I can at school. If I am busy, I don't realize how miserable I am. The most recent help I have been doing was this past weekend: I helped out with the school play. They needed some teachers to make cameo's and walk across stage and say a few lines. Here is a pic of me in costume:

Yes. Charming, huh? We had to dress 70's. Of course, I went all out... and the kids... well, not so much. But they tried. :)

Here is a pic of one of my kids and some others in the show:

The one in the black shirt is in my 1st period. I have no idea the names of any of the other kids. But they're cute, no? For now... but they are sneaky, I tell you. Except my little boy- he's a sweetheart. Seriously. I love him.

Another little boy that I teach was in the show as well. But he's not in this picture. I will not show you him... but he's a stinker. And wears tighter jeans than I do.

3) I buy myself things. Don't laugh. But I have been getting tickets to see plays, musicals, ballets. Anything to keep myself motivated for the weekend. I saw Meet Me in St Louis the other weekend. Daddy is taking me to Mary Poppins in two weeks. Yay!! :) I also read more books than humanly possible. I lose myself in somebody else's life. (On a side note, I would go to movie's except the movie theatre is in the mall and I do not want to run into one of my kids, especially is I am going to a movie alone. Reason #12365 that it would be nice to have a boyfriend right now)

Ok, well, I made a goal that I do not think I am going to meet, so I am going to bed.

I love you sweet friends. Please continue to pray for me. I appreciate everything!

Your Hands

Val- check your mail this week. I'm sending you a gift! :)

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands

Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands