Cinco Ranch

This is the school I interviewed at today. No, this is not "today". Someone else took this photo.

But, I think this is an excellent picture of how I felt as I left my interview.

It went sooooo well! So well, in fact, that I don't even care if I get the job (though I really want it!). I have never felt like I presented myself as well, or been more true to myself. I was in an a room with 8 other people... 2 principals and 6 teachers, and I guess you could say that I charmed the pants off of them. :) I smiled, laughed, made little jokes and, I think, made an impression. Even if I don't get it, I know that I did my absolute best.

On a side note, as I was coming into the interview, I met one of the AP's, who was at the Katy Job Fair. I maybe talked to her for 15... 20 minutes when I was there. They didn't have a position for a language arts at the time, but one for social studies and we talked a bit about that. I remember her mentioning my Aggie ring. Well, I guess she remembered me more than I thought. She told me that when she saw that a 7th grade language arts position had opened up, she told them- "I remember a girl that I met at the job fair. Let's call her in!" :) Yes, 3 weeks later and apparently I have still made an impression on people. :)

I am pretty proud of myself and how well I did. I'll let you know how it goes! Thank you for all the sweet e-mails and prayers! :) Love you!

Updation

Ok- an update

1) Today is Mother's Day. I miss my mom. :( BUT- she is having the best mothers day party EVER with some pretty awesome mom's up in heaven... so I can't be too sad. :)

2) I want to stay in College Station forever! I really love the community that I have found here. Their love, support, friendship, hugs- everything has just been so wonderful! I spent my last day of nursery care getting lots of hugs, kisses and giggles, cleaning a poopy diaper (of course!), rejoicing over big boy underwear, fingerpainting flowers for mothers day, dishing out animal crackers and goldfish and taking lots of pictures. :) I just LOVE these precious children and I can not wait to share them with you soon. I will post them on facebook when I get around to finding my camera cord...

3) Graduation is right around the corner. WOW. I feel like I just finished fish camp... and now I'm graduating?!?!?! It just doesn't feel real. And I found a graduation dress from JC Penney that I LOVE. Seriously. I am so thankful for my wonderful aunt who traveled with me to find it. She's the one that pulled it out and it is seriously precious. :)

4) I have a new TV show that I am into... and it is DORKY! It's called Legend of the Seeker... imagine a mix of Lord of the Rings and Princess Bride and Robin Hood or King Arthur (maybe?). I found it online (of all places), on the best website EVER- Hulu. I am obsessed. I watched all 19 episodes and am anticipating the final ones to come. The acting isn't brilliant. I know. BUT- the story line intrigues me. And the lead boy is cute. :) It's also based on a HUGE Sci Fi book series by Terry Goodkind called The Sword of Truth series. I just bought the first one from Half Price... and it's like 900 pages long... I'm not kidding. What have I gotten myself into?! lol

5) My body is infected with some itchy rash. I actually think it's a combo of really bad razor burn, dry skin and an irritation to sleeping with sheets again... I just sleep with a blanket on me now, for some reason. Regardless, my legs itch like crazy. But I love baby lotion, so I've been lathering up and I smell good and lavender-y now. :)

6) Everytime I hear a police siren, I think the police are coming to arrest me for using Limewire to download music... guilty conscience? Yes. Will I delete my music? No??

7) I can't wait to start working at the zoo every morning! I love my favorite place in the whole world! I really do!

8) It warms my heart when mothers at church tell me that their children pray for "Ms. Kelly" every night. Aww! Thank you so much! I also found out that one of my AWANA girls prays for me and my husband on a weekly basis. 11 years old... and amazing in so many ways!! How I love them all!

Ok... good update? I dunno... but I thought one was appropriate! :)

Good Buys!!

I love a good sale! I mean, who doesn't?! And as an almost graduate with a non-existent job looming on the horizon, it is imperative that I spend as little as possible to save up for real things... like food. So, I don't really get to indulge myself in the shopping world.

Well, today I changed that. I went to Half Price, which in itself is a good buy all around. It is so fantastic, and their prices are more than affordable! A + HPB!

Then I went to Hobby Lobby... and I totally forgot how much I love that place! I mean, I don't think I've been in there all semester. :) It was so much fun to go in! Anyways, I needed scrapbook paper... and all their paper was 50% off! So, I got 17 sheets for like $2.50! CRAZY! I hope their sale lasts next Monday, cause I need some more stuff!

THEN, I went to Kohls. I had one of those gift card things from the mail... it was a FREE $10 on any one item in the store. So, I found a shirt I liked and only paid $3.78 for it! yay!!!!!!

See, I love sales... and free things. :)

If I come across any other good buys, I will let you know. They are too good to pass up!

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep.

It's 12:59 AM

I just turned on my Web Cam on my computer and decided to film myself. And I have been really frustrated because I've been pulling out my hair again. A lot. And it hurts and everytime I do it I want to throw up a little and I hate myself and I hate myself and I hate myself.

I just videoed it... it's horrific. It's not as bad as it has been in the past... but it was getting so much better, and I ruined it. I can't believe myself. My stupid self. I am so weak. I try to fix all of my problems on my own. And I can't fix this. And it drives me crazy. I want my mom. I want her to be here to talk to. I want to tell her what's wrong with me. I want her to hold me. But it is completely impossible. And that hurts almost as much as my partially bald head.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell my dad. He will be so disappointed in me. He will not understand. I can't make anybody understand because I don't understand. I don't want to do this. I don't. But I also don't know how to stop. And it's killing me. Literally. I have lost a lot of weight recently. And I'm not puking up my food or starving myself. My body just doesn't want food like it used to. It's like my mom's death all over again. I just have no appetite.

I'm supposed to talk to my therapist tomorrow. Should I tell her that I've been pulling again? That I am out of control. That I feel like I have no control over my mind- or my hands.

I need someone to tell me what to do!!! Please. Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I want God to tell me what to do... GOD- MAKE ME STOP!! Heal me! Please! I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't keep lying to people. I can't make people think that I'm fine when I'm not. I need help. I need you to help me.

Necessary, yet so not...

I have been dealing with a lot of "un bloggable" issues the past few weeks. I think it's really therapeutic and necessary for me to write about them. I don't know how personal I am going to get here... how personal do you want?! So bear with me, you few readers, while I take this bloggtastic journey of self discovery.

Our country is soooo sexually driven. I am amazed at how it is all jumping out at me all of a sudden. It's in movies. (Twilight, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, even stinkin' High School Musical...) It's in music. (OMG... Britney Spears 'If You Seek Amy'?!?!?! I just found out about this today... I am appalled, and yet the song is oddly catchy) Even my beloved books. I hate to admit that the sexual tension in literature is everywhere... and yet it draws you in when you know it shouldn't.

I would be lying to you if I told you that it didn't affect my life. The older I get, the harder it is to ignore. I have never had a boyfriend. I don't want you thinking that I have all this experience with boys... I don't. But I would be lying (again) to say that I don't desire that in some way. Ugh...

And I hate that word! Sex. The sound of it... hearing others say it... I have to close my eyes in movies. And yet it consumes our world. It is everywhere... all the time. And I can not get it out of my head! It's driving me crazy. It's making me alienate myself from people. It makes me even more uncomfortable around boys than I already am.

And oh how I want a boyfriend... I mean, I want a boy to look at me the way I have always dreamt of. Who will tell me how he feels for me right away, without holding anything back, like I know that I will do. Words left unsaid just end up getting lost... and I don't want something terrible to happen to someone I love and know that I never had told them how I feel. I deal with that every day when I think about my mom. How I do not remember the last thing I said to her, but I remember that day, standing outside her door and wondering if I should go in and wake her up to tell her goodbye for the day, and I didn't. I want to stop living my life this way! I want to find someone to share that with!

And as graduation comes closer and closer, I find this window of opportunity closing before my eyes. I thought college was the place to meet my boyfriend. 'High school is over rated. But college has "mature" boys, who see me for who I am on the inside.' But oh how delusions slip past us. And so for four years I have waited... maybe 8 if you're going to count high school. Heck, I had my first major crush on a boy in the 5th grade, when I was 11, let's make it 12. 12 years. For someone- anyone- to find me desireable, attractive. To find me what they were looking for. To find me. Well, news flash world! I am never going to be that girl that you are looking for. The only boy who will ever flirt with me are the 3 year olds in my Sunday School class who cry when I am not at church.

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, enough. I'm done. My boyfriend is not coming. And even though I know you are going to tell me that 'God has the right boy picked out for you and he will come at the right time'... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Cause let me give you a little glimpse into my life... I sit alone every single night. I have tried being patient. I have tried waiting. I have tried flirting. And I have come to this truth- that the Lord wants me to be single. In his "perfect plan" for my life, dating, a realtionship, love, or whatever is not in the cards. And I don't know why.

I am lonely.

I am heart sick.

....

I am done.

Psalm 119:9-12

How can a young man keep his way pure?

By living according to your word.

I seek you with all my heart;

do not leat me stray from your commands.

I have hidden your word in my heart

that I might not sin against you.

Praise be to you, O Lord;

teach me your decrees.

Ouch.

Pics from Grandparent's Computer

These pics were saved on my Grandparents computer. I don't know why, but I thought you might like to see them:

PS: I still have a HUGE crush on one of the boys in the above pic. You probably would guess wrong if you were trying to guess. But he is amazing, and I think he is precious. :) Maybe one day...