Midnight Musings

Ok, being at home suuuuuuucks. I need College Station, where I feel comfortable and in my element. I need my friends who can always pull me out of my slump. I need the accountability that is provided to me through ASC, and my amazing WIL Group and Grace on a weekly if not daily basis. I have fallen into bad habits, which had started back in CS and which need to end immediantly, and bad thoughts, which seem to plauge me more and more as I venture home.

Today, I was facebook "chat attacked" by a girl I went to high school with- we will call her B. B and I were friends to a degree, but I was a certain person when I was with her that I am ashamed to admit to being. Thinking about it sends me on a guilt trip down the river of denial, which is how I always feel, but never mind that.
Anyways, B asked me about school and I told her about graduation coming up in May and getting to student teach. She asked me if I was going to teach when I got out of school, and I was like... umm, duh, of course. Aren't you? I asked, because she wants to be a teacher as well. And her response to me? Oh, not right away, I want to have a baby first. Now, granted, she JUST got married- maybe a month ago- though I guess if B reads my blog she can correct me if I am wrong. But I was slightly taken aback. A baby?! A real one? Like, one you have to keep and raise and have call you Mom? One that spits up and poops, and then eventually learns to talk and yells things like NO and GO AWAY and then eventually ignores you and belittles you because all kids think they are cooler than their parents and then eventually leaves, while along the way making good and bad descisions, partly based on what you, as the parent, were expected to teach them? THAT kind of kid?
Whew- I am so not ready for that responsibility. (Though if you know me- you know my desire to be a parent ONE day- not now though). Now, no offense at all meant to B. Everyone has a calling in life. She may be a great mom right now. I just know that isn't something that I can handle at this point in my life.

And then she asks me the few questions that I have been dreading anyone from my past ask me.
1) Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: Nope
Should have been my answer: Can you not see my status on facebook? Does the big flashing SINGLE sign not clue you in? And if I WAS in a relationship, wouldn't he be writing cute little love notes on my fbook wall and have a whole album dedicated to him??? (Which, I actually have no idea if that would actually happen- but it's something I wouldn't put past myself.)

2) Have you ever had a boyfriend?
Answer: lol. nope.
Should have been my answer: *sob* Does that answer your question?

3) Why?
Answer: I guess my standards are too high?! Not really sure. It's just not my time yet. He's there somewhere.
Sould have been my answer: .... are you kidding me? You don't say one word to me for maybe four years- including when my mom died- and now you expect me to divulge my innermost thoughts to you? HA!

4) So... did you ever get your first kiss before you graduated?
Answer: No. I don't want to force it. I want it to be with the right person for all the right reasons because I want it to actually mean something- not just because it's to complete a goal.
Should have been my answer: Exactly that. :)

I HATE thinking about the future- but that's what happens to me when I am at home. I wonder if I will ever find this boy- who will love and cherish me and see all the good in me that I still don't see in myself. Who will look at me with the love I have always desired and been afraid of. Who will seek the Lord's guidance in persuing me. Who will propose to me and kiss me like I have always dreamed about. Gaggggggg.... I'm grossing myself out.

Now- I know what you are thinking. Kelly- you are 22! Don't rush it!
I know- ok. I was there when I was born. I know how long I've been alive. But my greatest fear in the whole world is that I will die before I ever get the chance to know what true love looks like. We loose our desires in heaven because our only desire is to be in the presence of the Lord. And as wonderful as that is (and I say this with sincerity), I just wish I could experience all the earthly desires of my heart... selfish selfish girl. I know.

Ok, so I now think that facebook chat is now a tool of the devil. I can not believe these thoughts are in my head and verbalizing themselves into meaningless words on a computer screen.

If you are reading this- I miss you. I love you. I wish you were here. I need all your hugs and love and for you to fuss at me and to tell me to snap out of it. I can't wait to see you all soon!!!!