A for real update

Music playing: JJ Heller's CD 'Painted Red'. I am obsessed. I will send you a copy if you want- some of you are already getting one- I'm just a slacker.

Picture: What a typical grading day looks like- pink pen (cause I have to grade in pink) and peanut butter M&M's

Ok

I have many "drafts" saved from me trying to start this entry.

I am trying to be honest with you all in the hopes that someone will understand. So, to start out honestly- I do not enjoy my job. There are days when I am happy. But overall, I am not happy. If I am being rational, I think this job came at a bad time for several reasons. 1) I have never been able to handle change well. Example 1: My mom dies and I kind of go berserk. (Ok, bad example, because anyone would, but especially me) Example 2: I start college and I have a hard time making friends. I try too hard and end up losing out on some great relationships (friends, not boys, come on people) Reason 2: I am a new teacher and as I have been told, relentlessly, "the first year is the worst"

If I am not being rational, I do not like living all by myself in a place I am unfamiliar with. I truly do not like middle schoolers- I mean, there are some sweet ones, but when you ask me if I like my kids, those babies get pushed aside for the ones that I do not like. I am the youngest professional on my campus, so I am treated as such and even the kids know how young I am. No one really respects me. Kids could care less about what I say, teachers only listen to me out of politeness.

I can not begin to describe how disheartening it is to realize that you went to college for 4 years- your parents paid for your college education for four years- and the career you chose is one that just doesn't fit with you. What else is out there for me? I have no fall back. None. I can not go through another 4 years of college- emotionally or financially- and even if I could, I have no idea what career I would go for this go 'round.

So for the rest of this year, I am stuck in a job that I groan about when I wake up in the morning. A job that I pray someone else will come in and fill for me.

Well, to quit my Debby Downer-ness, I have to make the best of a very bad situation. So what have I been doing, you ask?

Music change: I am kind of obsessed with R Kelly's Ignition (remix). I have this one version from this dude on YouTube on like permanent play... whoo... he's hot.

1) I am trying to find me a church. The Lord blessed my life 10x over Grace in CS. Seriously, I knew I would miss it, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. I miss all of my families that I was so close with. I miss the smiles, the hugs, the amazing worship/message every Sunday. I miss all my sweet 3 year olds and crazy AWANA clubbers.

So, how do you move away from that and find a church that fills you up so completly?

Answer: You try.

It's not easy. I have yet to find a place where I am really, truly accepted and comfortable. But I am not giving up... I'm just waiting for God to guide me where he needs me to be.

2) I try to help out as much as I can at school. If I am busy, I don't realize how miserable I am. The most recent help I have been doing was this past weekend: I helped out with the school play. They needed some teachers to make cameo's and walk across stage and say a few lines. Here is a pic of me in costume:

Yes. Charming, huh? We had to dress 70's. Of course, I went all out... and the kids... well, not so much. But they tried. :)

Here is a pic of one of my kids and some others in the show:

The one in the black shirt is in my 1st period. I have no idea the names of any of the other kids. But they're cute, no? For now... but they are sneaky, I tell you. Except my little boy- he's a sweetheart. Seriously. I love him.

Another little boy that I teach was in the show as well. But he's not in this picture. I will not show you him... but he's a stinker. And wears tighter jeans than I do.

3) I buy myself things. Don't laugh. But I have been getting tickets to see plays, musicals, ballets. Anything to keep myself motivated for the weekend. I saw Meet Me in St Louis the other weekend. Daddy is taking me to Mary Poppins in two weeks. Yay!! :) I also read more books than humanly possible. I lose myself in somebody else's life. (On a side note, I would go to movie's except the movie theatre is in the mall and I do not want to run into one of my kids, especially is I am going to a movie alone. Reason #12365 that it would be nice to have a boyfriend right now)

Ok, well, I made a goal that I do not think I am going to meet, so I am going to bed.

I love you sweet friends. Please continue to pray for me. I appreciate everything!