Being single

I feel like this is a long time coming sort of entry, but I wanted to kind of express the things that have been going through my mind these past few days. As you know based on my last post, I got a new book that I have just devoured in the past few days. I can not describe it to you, as it entirely too complex and my hope is that you will want to read it for yourself, but I will say that this last book got me thinking about relationships a lot. About what it means to be in a relationship, about what love is and about what it means to be in love. I know that this is ridiculous, that this book of fiction, that had no semblance towards the life that we lead what so ever could make me feel this way.
But I was sitting in church on Sunday and it just kind of hit me all of a sudden. It's like, I'm supposed to want all of this. It's a natural feeling. It's normal to feel fluttery when reading about love, about the way a boy wraps his arms a girl, about a kiss and so on... you get what I'm talking about. I realized that it's ok to want these things. But I can not will them to happen. I can't force love into my life. That's not how it works. In books, for example, the girl never goes looking for love... it simply finds her. It's creeps into her life, unsuspecting, and knocks her off her feet. Just like that.

But my life isn't a book, and I do realize that. I know that God has picked out a plan for my life- he has given me the option of different paths to choose, and I have made this choice.

So I sat in church and I prayed, "God, I have finally come to terms that you don't want me to have a boy in my life. That that is not where I am meant to be at the moment. But, I also know that some people may never be destined to marry. And I'm scared about saying this, and I don't think I'm going to take it back, but if being single for the rest of my life is where you want me, then I will be content in that."
Ok, so at this point I start to get a little choked up, like I want to cry. Because as I have said before, I desire a relationship with a boy so much that it puts an ache in my heart. But I have to be prepared for anything. And right now, this looks like where my life is going. I have to be content to be single for as long as it takes, even if that means forever.

So if you are reading this and decide to pray for me, Pray that I will find happiness and peace in the life that I am living right now. That I will focus on today rather than tomorrow, and set my sights on eternity.

Ok, so this post may not make any sense to you, and I'm not sure if it makes sense to me, but it is what is on my heart and I just needed to share that.

- Kel