Good Buys!!

I love a good sale! I mean, who doesn't?! And as an almost graduate with a non-existent job looming on the horizon, it is imperative that I spend as little as possible to save up for real things... like food. So, I don't really get to indulge myself in the shopping world.

Well, today I changed that. I went to Half Price, which in itself is a good buy all around. It is so fantastic, and their prices are more than affordable! A + HPB!

Then I went to Hobby Lobby... and I totally forgot how much I love that place! I mean, I don't think I've been in there all semester. :) It was so much fun to go in! Anyways, I needed scrapbook paper... and all their paper was 50% off! So, I got 17 sheets for like $2.50! CRAZY! I hope their sale lasts next Monday, cause I need some more stuff!

THEN, I went to Kohls. I had one of those gift card things from the mail... it was a FREE $10 on any one item in the store. So, I found a shirt I liked and only paid $3.78 for it! yay!!!!!!

See, I love sales... and free things. :)

If I come across any other good buys, I will let you know. They are too good to pass up!

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep.

It's 12:59 AM

I just turned on my Web Cam on my computer and decided to film myself. And I have been really frustrated because I've been pulling out my hair again. A lot. And it hurts and everytime I do it I want to throw up a little and I hate myself and I hate myself and I hate myself.

I just videoed it... it's horrific. It's not as bad as it has been in the past... but it was getting so much better, and I ruined it. I can't believe myself. My stupid self. I am so weak. I try to fix all of my problems on my own. And I can't fix this. And it drives me crazy. I want my mom. I want her to be here to talk to. I want to tell her what's wrong with me. I want her to hold me. But it is completely impossible. And that hurts almost as much as my partially bald head.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell my dad. He will be so disappointed in me. He will not understand. I can't make anybody understand because I don't understand. I don't want to do this. I don't. But I also don't know how to stop. And it's killing me. Literally. I have lost a lot of weight recently. And I'm not puking up my food or starving myself. My body just doesn't want food like it used to. It's like my mom's death all over again. I just have no appetite.

I'm supposed to talk to my therapist tomorrow. Should I tell her that I've been pulling again? That I am out of control. That I feel like I have no control over my mind- or my hands.

I need someone to tell me what to do!!! Please. Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I want God to tell me what to do... GOD- MAKE ME STOP!! Heal me! Please! I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't keep lying to people. I can't make people think that I'm fine when I'm not. I need help. I need you to help me.

Necessary, yet so not...

I have been dealing with a lot of "un bloggable" issues the past few weeks. I think it's really therapeutic and necessary for me to write about them. I don't know how personal I am going to get here... how personal do you want?! So bear with me, you few readers, while I take this bloggtastic journey of self discovery.

Our country is soooo sexually driven. I am amazed at how it is all jumping out at me all of a sudden. It's in movies. (Twilight, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, even stinkin' High School Musical...) It's in music. (OMG... Britney Spears 'If You Seek Amy'?!?!?! I just found out about this today... I am appalled, and yet the song is oddly catchy) Even my beloved books. I hate to admit that the sexual tension in literature is everywhere... and yet it draws you in when you know it shouldn't.

I would be lying to you if I told you that it didn't affect my life. The older I get, the harder it is to ignore. I have never had a boyfriend. I don't want you thinking that I have all this experience with boys... I don't. But I would be lying (again) to say that I don't desire that in some way. Ugh...

And I hate that word! Sex. The sound of it... hearing others say it... I have to close my eyes in movies. And yet it consumes our world. It is everywhere... all the time. And I can not get it out of my head! It's driving me crazy. It's making me alienate myself from people. It makes me even more uncomfortable around boys than I already am.

And oh how I want a boyfriend... I mean, I want a boy to look at me the way I have always dreamt of. Who will tell me how he feels for me right away, without holding anything back, like I know that I will do. Words left unsaid just end up getting lost... and I don't want something terrible to happen to someone I love and know that I never had told them how I feel. I deal with that every day when I think about my mom. How I do not remember the last thing I said to her, but I remember that day, standing outside her door and wondering if I should go in and wake her up to tell her goodbye for the day, and I didn't. I want to stop living my life this way! I want to find someone to share that with!

And as graduation comes closer and closer, I find this window of opportunity closing before my eyes. I thought college was the place to meet my boyfriend. 'High school is over rated. But college has "mature" boys, who see me for who I am on the inside.' But oh how delusions slip past us. And so for four years I have waited... maybe 8 if you're going to count high school. Heck, I had my first major crush on a boy in the 5th grade, when I was 11, let's make it 12. 12 years. For someone- anyone- to find me desireable, attractive. To find me what they were looking for. To find me. Well, news flash world! I am never going to be that girl that you are looking for. The only boy who will ever flirt with me are the 3 year olds in my Sunday School class who cry when I am not at church.

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, enough. I'm done. My boyfriend is not coming. And even though I know you are going to tell me that 'God has the right boy picked out for you and he will come at the right time'... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Cause let me give you a little glimpse into my life... I sit alone every single night. I have tried being patient. I have tried waiting. I have tried flirting. And I have come to this truth- that the Lord wants me to be single. In his "perfect plan" for my life, dating, a realtionship, love, or whatever is not in the cards. And I don't know why.

I am lonely.

I am heart sick.

....

I am done.

Psalm 119:9-12

How can a young man keep his way pure?

By living according to your word.

I seek you with all my heart;

do not leat me stray from your commands.

I have hidden your word in my heart

that I might not sin against you.

Praise be to you, O Lord;

teach me your decrees.

Ouch.

Pics from Grandparent's Computer

These pics were saved on my Grandparents computer. I don't know why, but I thought you might like to see them:

PS: I still have a HUGE crush on one of the boys in the above pic. You probably would guess wrong if you were trying to guess. But he is amazing, and I think he is precious. :) Maybe one day...

What Do You Say? What Do You Do?

Today, on many fronts, is a very happy day. Unfortunantly, it is also a very sad day. And not for the reason that you may be thinking.

Today I found out that one of the students at our school, Erin Buenger, died this morning. THANK GOD that I was told at the end of the day after everyone had left. I do not think I could have handeled myself in front of the other kids.

I have following Erin's story for a very short time. I first noticed her the second week I was at school. I had to sit in front of a bathroom for four days- remember?! Erin and her science teacher would walk down together and come back from lunch every day. This may sound weird because all kids walk down the halls, but on TAKS days, the kids have lunch in their rooms so I was a little curious. I found out throuh my friends who had her in their classes that Erin has Stage IV Neuroblastoma. Ouch. In my heart of hearts I thought- 'look at her! This girl is a fighter! She is going to make it!' But the diagnosis was bleak. I mean, cancer is ugly. Nueroblastoma is the ugliest. Week after week I would glimpse the precious, laughing, smiling girl in the halls, in the lunch room, in class.

When I moved to my new placement, I didn't see her as much as I thought. She had gotten sick and stayed home often. She would come up for half days, but leave early. I still cherished the time I got to see her. How joyful was this little girl! What a smile- and what a spirit! I never talked to Erin, but it was obvious. You could see it. You could feel it.

I heard the other boys and girls talk about her. Everyone loved her. And now, I think about that school. The one I won't be at come Monday. I think about my students in 2nd and 3rd period- her classmates. The girls that were on her soccer team. The boys that would come over to read and play games. I think of the teachers who have to look at the desk that she is supposed to be in! I think of the hallways being a much different place now. How are we going to get through this? How do you tell a child that another child has died? And that there is NO REASON for her to be gone? That cancer makes no sense? That a child can be healthy one month, and have stage IV terminal cancer the next? How do we not walk around scared out of our minds that the same thing may happen to us, or to the ones we love?

I turned off my radio when I got in the car and I talked to God on the way home. I needed answers and I needed to know that Erin was in heaven now. But God is not going to tell me either of these things. I belive that Erin is in heaven at this moment. I did not know her, but I know my God- who is merciful and loving above all else. You said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these". While he may give this peace to me, I still have so many questions that I will never know the answers to. But I need to believe and trust in my God's eternal plan. That "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord". That God's hand is in all of this- in Erin's life and death, in my mother's, in my being at Jane Long and knowing of Erin but never meeting her, in the fact that I chosen a profession in which this may be something that is not uncommon. God is perparing me and my heart and he is teaching me something. When the time comes, I will see it. My eyes will be open and I fully thank God for what has happened today, as I continue to do in my own life, years later when I think back on the life of my mother and what a blessing her life and death were in my life.

I love you all. Tell everyone you care about that you love them. Live your life never holding back. And praise the Lord through it all!

*Note: The pictures above are from Erin's Home, Erin Buenger's mothers blog. If you choose to visit, you have been warned that they hold nothing back. It is shocking, yet beautiful. Until the end they stayed positive and wanted to share Erin's story with the world. I am just passing it along, in hopes that you will learn from Erin's life and live yours just as powerfully!*

A Post Left to Be Titled For Various Reasons.

Whooo Hoo! It's Monday! My LAST Monday at JLMS. My LAST Monday to wake up at the crack of dawn for at LEAST another 5 weeks... I believe... possibly more than that.

As you can see, or may have been able to tell from my previous postings, I just love posting pictures. I always try to find on that fits my mood. This picture only fits part of my mood. The joyful-exhuberant-dancing-rocking out-hallelujah shouting-praise toting-jump jivin' and groovin' girl that I feel like at the moment. Only part of me feels this way- but a good part of me. I can not wait for school to be done. I can not wait to sleep in til 9!! (which is waaaaaaaaaaay late for me) I can not wait to be home and cuddle with my puppy dog! I can not wait to read every book that has been on my list of books to read since the beginning of time! I can not wait to start my job at the zoo! (I may get to work 8 weeks! But I'm not sure yet!)

Another part of me is sad. Part of me (as much as I hate to admit it) does not want to leave the school. I like most of the kids. I am very comfortable with most of the staff. I have not had the best mentor teachers, but I have learned so much from both of them. I have not had the easiest time adjusting but I did. I have cried my fair share of tears but I have come out a better and stronger person from it.
Now I have to say goodbye. Goodbye to JLMS. Goodbye to all of the wonderful teachers who have brought so much joy to my job. Goodbye to my dearest student teachers who have gotten me through this when I thought nothing else would. And even bigger goodbyes than these. Goodbye to College Station, where everything is familiar and safe. Goodbye to my wonderful church family, who I will miss more than words can say! Goodbye to all my girls at church who have impacted my life over the past 3 years... what will I do without you all?! Goodbye to my school friends, my A&M friends, the ones who get to stay when I have to leave it behind. Goodbye to my college career. It's been fun- the best 4 years of my LIFE. Seriously. Even without a boyfriend, it has been truly memorable.

So now I get to say I get to say hello to being an adult. To getting a job. To being the best teacher I can be, no matter where that is. To a new church family and new kids to love on. To a new boyfriend... or A boyfriend (how can he be new if he's the first?!) To letting God lead my life instead of leading it myself. Sigh. It's going to be real. And fun. And I am so glad that you are going to be here for the journey!

A Dose of Funny for you

Wow.

I needed to laugh in the worst way tonight. No lie! I just feel like I haven't had a funny moment happen to me in a while... and then this little beauty comes across my computer screen, thanks to a very special, sweet young lady named Hannah:



Please tell me you are laughing!!

This is Tim Hawkins. He is a Christian comedian. And I find him so so hilarious! Maybe it's just me.

I have found so much to laugh about in his videos today. I need to lighten up about life- seriously!!

Ok, I will put a few more on here for you to "LOL" to. You will thank me!!