I can't sleep.
It's 12:59 AM
I just turned on my Web Cam on my computer and decided to film myself. And I have been really frustrated because I've been pulling out my hair again. A lot. And it hurts and everytime I do it I want to throw up a little and I hate myself and I hate myself and I hate myself.
I just videoed it... it's horrific. It's not as bad as it has been in the past... but it was getting so much better, and I ruined it. I can't believe myself. My stupid self. I am so weak. I try to fix all of my problems on my own. And I can't fix this. And it drives me crazy. I want my mom. I want her to be here to talk to. I want to tell her what's wrong with me. I want her to hold me. But it is completely impossible. And that hurts almost as much as my partially bald head.
I don't know what to do. I can't tell my dad. He will be so disappointed in me. He will not understand. I can't make anybody understand because I don't understand. I don't want to do this. I don't. But I also don't know how to stop. And it's killing me. Literally. I have lost a lot of weight recently. And I'm not puking up my food or starving myself. My body just doesn't want food like it used to. It's like my mom's death all over again. I just have no appetite.
I'm supposed to talk to my therapist tomorrow. Should I tell her that I've been pulling again? That I am out of control. That I feel like I have no control over my mind- or my hands.
I need someone to tell me what to do!!! Please. Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do.
I want God to tell me what to do... GOD- MAKE ME STOP!! Heal me! Please! I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't keep lying to people. I can't make people think that I'm fine when I'm not. I need help. I need you to help me.
3 comments:
kelly mccreery. there is nothing wrong with you. you are just experiencing a lot of stress right now, for several reasons. i mean you just finished student teaching, you are graduating, and you are missing your mom through the process of all of it. i don't know how you feel. i wish that i did. i do know what it feels like to feel like theres something wrong with you that no one could possibly every understand. ive been there!! you can't fix this problem on your own. thats the point. we need God. we need to cling to the truth of Jesus. theres nothing wrong with you because YOU ARE HIS. no matter how messed up we think we are, or feel, he loves us still. kelly, i know you're stressed out and you are upset about this,but i am proud of you for being honest with yourself. i think you should talk to your therapist about it. honesty will help you get to the bottom of everything. i promise. im so sorry kel. i love you. knowthat i am praying for you with all my might and know that you can conquer this. i know it in my heart. i may not know the right things to say or whether or not my words make sense. but kelly. call me. i will listen to you. i will do my best. thats what friends are for. you are loved. very loved. thinking of you today, and praying for you. i know what loss feels like and what it feels like when it creeps up on you when you think you are fine. i know that feeling. i know that you are strong. youre one of the strongest people i know. you will get through this and you will be better for it. We are continually being knit into the people God has called us to be. Through all the fires we may encounter, we are being refined. just remember that. know you are loved. you are not alone! call me!
kelly...you are AMAZING. there is nothing wrong with you, just like val said. life is changing for you right now. it is scary and stressful. but, embrace it, sweet friend. God is about to blow you away with the opportunities he will open up to you. you are VALUED, LOVED, BEAUTIFUL, IMPORTANT, SPECIAL, SMART, and about 100 other things. all of that is because Christ created you in his OWN image. he wanted to make you, kelly, just like you are. do not believe anything that is the opposite of this. it is good to admit it when you feel like this, get the feelings out. talk to someone who can help you stand tall again. you can conquer this because you are more than alive in Jesus. i think of you so often and am so sorry we don't talk regularly. but, you ARE on my mind a lot. i miss you and getting to talk to and encourage you. please know you can always contact me. i will be praying for you...like so many people are. i admire you, kelly, for so many things. love yourself because God does, your friends do, your family does. His timing is perfect, he's not finished with you yet. i love you...hang in there. there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Post a Comment