What Do You Say? What Do You Do?

Today, on many fronts, is a very happy day. Unfortunantly, it is also a very sad day. And not for the reason that you may be thinking.

Today I found out that one of the students at our school, Erin Buenger, died this morning. THANK GOD that I was told at the end of the day after everyone had left. I do not think I could have handeled myself in front of the other kids.

I have following Erin's story for a very short time. I first noticed her the second week I was at school. I had to sit in front of a bathroom for four days- remember?! Erin and her science teacher would walk down together and come back from lunch every day. This may sound weird because all kids walk down the halls, but on TAKS days, the kids have lunch in their rooms so I was a little curious. I found out throuh my friends who had her in their classes that Erin has Stage IV Neuroblastoma. Ouch. In my heart of hearts I thought- 'look at her! This girl is a fighter! She is going to make it!' But the diagnosis was bleak. I mean, cancer is ugly. Nueroblastoma is the ugliest. Week after week I would glimpse the precious, laughing, smiling girl in the halls, in the lunch room, in class.

When I moved to my new placement, I didn't see her as much as I thought. She had gotten sick and stayed home often. She would come up for half days, but leave early. I still cherished the time I got to see her. How joyful was this little girl! What a smile- and what a spirit! I never talked to Erin, but it was obvious. You could see it. You could feel it.

I heard the other boys and girls talk about her. Everyone loved her. And now, I think about that school. The one I won't be at come Monday. I think about my students in 2nd and 3rd period- her classmates. The girls that were on her soccer team. The boys that would come over to read and play games. I think of the teachers who have to look at the desk that she is supposed to be in! I think of the hallways being a much different place now. How are we going to get through this? How do you tell a child that another child has died? And that there is NO REASON for her to be gone? That cancer makes no sense? That a child can be healthy one month, and have stage IV terminal cancer the next? How do we not walk around scared out of our minds that the same thing may happen to us, or to the ones we love?

I turned off my radio when I got in the car and I talked to God on the way home. I needed answers and I needed to know that Erin was in heaven now. But God is not going to tell me either of these things. I belive that Erin is in heaven at this moment. I did not know her, but I know my God- who is merciful and loving above all else. You said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these". While he may give this peace to me, I still have so many questions that I will never know the answers to. But I need to believe and trust in my God's eternal plan. That "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord". That God's hand is in all of this- in Erin's life and death, in my mother's, in my being at Jane Long and knowing of Erin but never meeting her, in the fact that I chosen a profession in which this may be something that is not uncommon. God is perparing me and my heart and he is teaching me something. When the time comes, I will see it. My eyes will be open and I fully thank God for what has happened today, as I continue to do in my own life, years later when I think back on the life of my mother and what a blessing her life and death were in my life.

I love you all. Tell everyone you care about that you love them. Live your life never holding back. And praise the Lord through it all!

*Note: The pictures above are from Erin's Home, Erin Buenger's mothers blog. If you choose to visit, you have been warned that they hold nothing back. It is shocking, yet beautiful. Until the end they stayed positive and wanted to share Erin's story with the world. I am just passing it along, in hopes that you will learn from Erin's life and live yours just as powerfully!*