Necessary, yet so not...

I have been dealing with a lot of "un bloggable" issues the past few weeks. I think it's really therapeutic and necessary for me to write about them. I don't know how personal I am going to get here... how personal do you want?! So bear with me, you few readers, while I take this bloggtastic journey of self discovery.

Our country is soooo sexually driven. I am amazed at how it is all jumping out at me all of a sudden. It's in movies. (Twilight, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, even stinkin' High School Musical...) It's in music. (OMG... Britney Spears 'If You Seek Amy'?!?!?! I just found out about this today... I am appalled, and yet the song is oddly catchy) Even my beloved books. I hate to admit that the sexual tension in literature is everywhere... and yet it draws you in when you know it shouldn't.

I would be lying to you if I told you that it didn't affect my life. The older I get, the harder it is to ignore. I have never had a boyfriend. I don't want you thinking that I have all this experience with boys... I don't. But I would be lying (again) to say that I don't desire that in some way. Ugh...

And I hate that word! Sex. The sound of it... hearing others say it... I have to close my eyes in movies. And yet it consumes our world. It is everywhere... all the time. And I can not get it out of my head! It's driving me crazy. It's making me alienate myself from people. It makes me even more uncomfortable around boys than I already am.

And oh how I want a boyfriend... I mean, I want a boy to look at me the way I have always dreamt of. Who will tell me how he feels for me right away, without holding anything back, like I know that I will do. Words left unsaid just end up getting lost... and I don't want something terrible to happen to someone I love and know that I never had told them how I feel. I deal with that every day when I think about my mom. How I do not remember the last thing I said to her, but I remember that day, standing outside her door and wondering if I should go in and wake her up to tell her goodbye for the day, and I didn't. I want to stop living my life this way! I want to find someone to share that with!

And as graduation comes closer and closer, I find this window of opportunity closing before my eyes. I thought college was the place to meet my boyfriend. 'High school is over rated. But college has "mature" boys, who see me for who I am on the inside.' But oh how delusions slip past us. And so for four years I have waited... maybe 8 if you're going to count high school. Heck, I had my first major crush on a boy in the 5th grade, when I was 11, let's make it 12. 12 years. For someone- anyone- to find me desireable, attractive. To find me what they were looking for. To find me. Well, news flash world! I am never going to be that girl that you are looking for. The only boy who will ever flirt with me are the 3 year olds in my Sunday School class who cry when I am not at church.

Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, enough. I'm done. My boyfriend is not coming. And even though I know you are going to tell me that 'God has the right boy picked out for you and he will come at the right time'... I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! Cause let me give you a little glimpse into my life... I sit alone every single night. I have tried being patient. I have tried waiting. I have tried flirting. And I have come to this truth- that the Lord wants me to be single. In his "perfect plan" for my life, dating, a realtionship, love, or whatever is not in the cards. And I don't know why.

I am lonely.

I am heart sick.

....

I am done.